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Grace Abounding By J O H N.B U N Y A N. L O N D O N, Published by George Larkin, 1666. John Bunyan wrote this book while still in Bedford Prison. It was first published in 1666, the year of the Fire of London. |
GRACE ABOUNDING TO THE CHIEF OF SINNERS
OR, A BRIEF RELATION OF THE EXCEEDING MERCY OF GOD IN CHRIST, TO HIS POOR SERVANT
JOHN BUNYAN
n this my relation of the merciful working of God upon my soul,
it will not be amiss, if, in the first place, I do, in a few words, give you a hint
of my pedigree, and manner of bringing up; that thereby the goodness and bounty of
God towards me, may be the more advanced and magnified before the sons of men.
For my descent then, it was, as is well known by many, of a low and inconsiderable
generation; my father's house being of that rank that is meanest and most despised
of all the families in the land. Wherefore I have not here, as others, to boast of
noble blood, or of a high-born state, according to the flesh; though, all things
considered, I magnify the heavenly Majesty, for that by this door He brought me into
this world, to partake of the grace and life that is in Christ by the gospel.
But yet, notwithstanding the meanness and inconsiderableness of my parents, it pleased
God to put it into their hearts to put me to school, to learn both to read and write;
the which I also attained, according to the rate of other poor men's children; though,
to my shame I confess, I did soon lose that little I learned, and that even almost
utterly, and that long before the Lord did work His gracious work of conversion upon
my soul.
As for my own natural life, for the time that I was without God in the world, it
was indeed according to the course of this world, and 'the spirit that now worketh
in the children of disobedience' (Eph. 2.2, 3). It was my delight to be 'taken captive
by the devil at his will' (II Tim. 2.26). Being filled with all unrighteousness,
the which did also so strongly work and put forth itself, both in my heart and life,
and that from a child, that I had but few equals, especially considering my years,
which were tender, being few, both for cursing, swearing, lying, and blaspheming
the holy name of God.
Yea, so settled and rooted was I in these things, that they became as a second nature
to me; the which, as I also have with soberness considered since, did so offend the
Lord, that even in my childhood He did scare and affright me with fearful dreams,
and did terrify me with dreadful visions; for often, after I had spent this and the
other day in sin, I have in my bed been greatly afflicted, while asleep, with the
apprehensions of devils and wicked spirits, who still, as I then thought, laboured
to draw me away with them, of which I could never be rid.
Also I should, at these years, be greatly afflicted and troubled with the thoughts
of the day of judgment, and that both night and day, and should tremble at the thoughts
of the fearful torments of hell fire; still fearing that it would be my lot to be
found at last amongst those devils and hellish fiends, who are there bound down with
the chains and bonds of eternal darkness, 'unto the judgment of the great day.'
These things, I say, when I was but a child but nine or ten years old, did so distress
my soul, that when in the midst of my many sports and childish vanities, amidst my
vain companions, I was often much cast down and afflicted in my mind therewith, yet
could I not let go my sins. Yea, I was also then so overcome with despair of life
and heaven, that I should often wish either that there had been no hell, or that
I had been a devil-supposing they were only tormentors; that if it must needs be
that I went thither, I might be rather a tormentor, than be tormented myself.
A while after, these terrible dreams did leave me, which also I soon forgot; for
my pleasures did quickly cut off the remembrance of them, as if they had never been:
wherefore, with more greediness, according to the strength of nature, I did still
let loose the reins to my lusts, and delighted in all transgression against the law
of God: so that, until I came to the state of marriage, I was the very ringleader
of all the youth that kept me company, into all manner of vice and ungodliness.
Yea, such prevalency had the lusts and fruits of the flesh in this poor soul of mine,
that had not a miracle of precious grace prevented, I had not only perished by the
stroke of eternal justice, but had also laid myself open, even to the stroke of those
laws, which bring some to disgrace and open shame before the face of the world.
In these days, the thoughts of religion were very grievous to me; I could neither
endure it myself, nor that any other should; so that, when I have seen some read
in those books that concerned Christian piety, it would be as it were a prison to
me. Then I said unto God, 'Depart from me, for I desire not the knowledge of thy
ways' (Job 21.14). I was now void of all good consideration, heaven and hell were
both out of sight and mind; and as for saving and damning, they were least in my
thoughts. O Lord, thou knowest my life, and my ways were not hid from Thee.
Yet this I well remember, that though I could myself sin with the greatest delight
and ease, and also take pleasure in the vileness of my companions; yet, even then,
if I have at any time seen wicked things, by those who professed goodness, it would
make my spirit tremble. As once, above all the rest, when I was in my height of vanity,
yet hearing one to swear that was reckoned for a religious man, it had so great a
stroke upon my spirit, that it made my heart to ache.
But God did not utterly leave me, but followed me still, not now with convictions,
but judgments; yet, such as were mixed with mercy. For once I fell into a creek of
the sea, and hardly escaped drowning. Another time I fell out of a boat into Bedford
river, but mercy yet preserved me alive. Besides, another time, being in the field
with one of my companions, it chanced that an adder passed over the highway; so I,
having a stick in my hand, struck her over the back; and having stunned her, I forced
open her mouth with my stick, and plucked her sting out with my fingers, by which
act, had not God been merciful, I might, by my desperateness, have brought myself
to mine end.
This also have I taken notice of with thanksgiving; when I was a soldier, I, with
others, were drawn out to go to such a place to besiege it; but when I was just ready
to go, one of the company desired to go in my room; to which, when I had consented,
he took my place; and coming to the siege, as he stood sentinel, he was shot into
the head with a musket bullet, and died.
Here, as I said, were judgments and mercy, but neither of them did awaken my soul
to righteousness; wherefore I sinned still, and grew more and more rebellious against
God, and careless of mine own salvation.
Presently after this, I changed my condition into a married state, and my mercy was
to light upon a wife whose father was counted godly. This woman and I, though we
came together as poor as poor might be, not having so much household stuff as a dish
or spoon betwixt us both, yet this she had for her part, The Plain Man's Pathway
to Heaven, and The Practice of Piety, which her father had left her when he died.
In these two books I should sometimes read with her, wherein I also found some things
that were somewhat pleasing to me; but all this while I met with no conviction. She
also would be often telling of me, what a godly man her father was, and how he would
reprove and correct vice, both in his house, and amongst his neighbours; what a strict
and holy life he lived in his day, both in word and deed.
Wherefore these books with this relation, though they did not reach my heart, to
awaken it about my sad and sinful state, yet they did beget within me some desires
to religion: so that, because I knew no better, I fell in very eagerly with the religion
of the times; to wit, to go to church twice a day, and that too with the foremost;
and there should very devoutly, both say and sing as others did, yet retaining my
wicked life; but withal, I was so overrun with a spirit of superstition, that I adored,
and that with great devotion, even all things, both the high place, priest, clerk,
vestment, service, and what else belonging to the church; counting all things holy
that were therein contained, and especially the priest and clerk most happy, and
without doubt, greatly blessed, because they were the servants, as I then thought,
of God, and were principal in the holy temple, to do His work therein.
This conceit grew so strong in little time upon my spirit, that had I but seen a
priest, though never so sordid and debauched in his life, I should find my spirit
fall under him, reverence him, and knit unto him: yea, I thought for the love I did
bear unto them, supposing they were the ministers of God, I could have lain down
at their feet, and have been trampled upon by them; their name, their garb, and work,
did so intoxicate and bewitch me.
After I had been thus for some considerable time, another thought came into my mind;
and that was, whether we were of the Israelites, or no? For finding in the Scriptures
that they were once the peculiar people of God, thought I, if I were one of this
race, my soul must needs be happy. Now again, I found within me a great longing to
be resolved about this question, but could not tell how I should. At last I asked
my father of it; who told me, No, we were not. Wherefore then I fell in my spirit
as to the hopes of that, and so remained.
But all this while, I was not sensible of the danger and evil of sin; I was kept
from considering that sin would damn me, what religion soever I followed, unless
I was found in Christ. Nay, I never thought of Him, nor whether there was one, or
no. Thus man, while blind, doth wander, but wearieth himself with vanity, for he
knoweth not the way to the city of God (Eccl. 10.15).
But one day, amongst all the sermons our parson made, his subject was, to treat of
the Sabbath-day, and of the evil of breaking that, either with labour, sports or
otherwise. Now I was, notwithstanding my religion, one that took much delight in
all manner of vice, and especially that was the day that I did solace myself therewith,
wherefore I fell in my conscience under his sermon, thinking and believing that he
made that sermon on purpose to show me my evil doing; and at that time I felt what
guilt was, though never before, that I can remember; but then I was, for the present,
greatly loaden therewith, and so went home when the sermon was ended, with a great
burden upon my spirit.
This, for that instant, did benumb the sinews of my best delights, and did imbitter
my former pleasures to me; but behold, it lasted not, for before I had well dined,
the trouble began to go off my mind, and my heart returned to his old course: but
oh! how glad was I, that this trouble was gone from me, and that the fire was put
out, that I might sin again without control! Wherefore, when I had satisfied nature
with my food, I shook the sermon out of my mind, and to my old custom of sports and
gaming I returned with great delight.
But the same day, as I was in the midst of a game at cat, and having struck it one
blow from the hole, just as I was about to strike it the second time, a voice did
suddenly dart from heaven into my soul, which said, Wilt thou leave thy sins and
go to heaven, or have thy sins and go to hell? At this I was put to an exceeding
maze; wherefore, leaving my cat upon the ground, I looked up to heaven, and was as
if I had, with the eyes of my understanding, seen the Lord Jesus looking down upon
me, as being very hotly displeased with me, and as if He did severely threaten me
with some grievous punishment for these and other my ungodly practices.
I had no sooner thus conceived in my mind, but suddenly this conclusion was fastened
on my spirit, for the former hint did set my sins again before my face, that I had
been a great and grievous sinner, and that it was now too late for me to look after
heaven; for Christ would not forgive me, nor pardon my transgressions. Then I fell
to musing upon this also; and while I was thinking on it, and fearing lest it should
be so, I felt my heart sink in despair, concluding it was too late; and therefore
I resolved in my mind I would go on in sin; for, thought I, if the case be thus,
my state is surely miserable; miserable if I leave my sins, and but miserable if
I follow then; I can but be damned, and if I must be so, I had as good be damned
for many sins, as to be damned for few.
Thus I stood in the midst of my play, before all that then were present; but yet
I told them nothing: but I say, I having made this conclusion, I returned desperately
to my sport again; and I well remember, that presently this kind of despair did so
possess my soul, that I was persuaded I could never attain to other comfort than
what I should get in sin; for heaven was gone already, so that on that I must not
think; wherefore I found within me a great desire to take my fill of sin, still studying
what sin was set to be committed, that I might taste the sweetness of it; and I made
as much haste as I could to fill my belly with its delicates, lest I should die before
I had my desire; for that I feared greatly. In these things, I protest before God,
I lie not, neither do I feign this sort of speech; these were really, strongly, and
with all my heart, my desires; the good Lord, whose mercy is unsearchable, forgive
me my transgressions .
And I am very confident, that this temptation of the devil is more than usual amongst
poor creatures than many are aware of, even to overrun their spirits with a scurvy
and seared frame of heart, and benumbing of conscience; which frame, he stilly and
slily supplieth with such despair, that though not much guilt attendeth the soul,
yet they continually have a secret conclusion within them, that there is no hopes
for them; for they have loved sons, 'therefore after them they will go' (Jer. 2.25;
18.12).
Now therefore I went on in sin with great greediness of mind, still grudging that
I could not be so satisfied with it as I would. This did continue with me about a
month, or more; but one day, as I was standing at a neighbour's shop-window, and
there cursing and swearing, and playing the madman, after my wonted manner, there
sat within the woman of the house, and heard me, who, though she was a very loose
and ungodly wretch, yet protested that I swore and cursed at that most fearful rate,
that she was made to tremble to hear me; and told me further, That I was the ungodliest
fellow for swearing that ever she heard in all her life; and that I, by thus doing,
was able to spoil all the youth in a whole town, if they came but in my company.
At this reproof I was silenced, and put to secret shame, and that too, as I thought,
before the God of heaven; wherefore, while I stood there, and hanging down my head.
I wished with all my heart that I might be a little child again, that my father might
learn me to speak without this wicked way of swearing; for, thought I, I am so accustomed
to it, that it is in vain for me to think of a reformation, for I thought it could
never be.
But how it came to pass, I know not; I did from this time forward so leave my swearing,
that it was a great wonder to myself to observe it; and whereas before, I knew not
how to speak unless I put an oath before, and another behind, to make my words have
authority; now, I could, without it, speak better, and with more pleasantness, than
ever I could before. All this while I knew not Jesus Christ, neither did I leave
my sports and plays.
But quickly after this, I fell in company with one poor man that made profession
of religion; who, as I then thought, did talk pleasantly of the Scriptures, and of
the matters of religion; wherefore, falling into some love and liking to what he
said, I betook me to my Bible, and began to take great pleasure in reading, but especially
with the historical part thereof; for, as for Paul's epistles, and Scriptures of
that nature, I could not away with them, being as yet but ignorant, either of the
corruptions of my nature, or of the want and worth of Jesus Christ to save me.
Wherefore I fell to some outward reformation, both in my words and life, and did
set the commandments before me for my way to heaven; which commandments I also did
strive to keep, and, as I thought, did keep them pretty well sometimes, and then
I should have comfort; yet now and then should break one, and so afflict my conscience;
but then I should repent, and say I was sorry for it, and promise God to do better
next time, and there get help again, for then I thought I pleased God as well as
any man in England.
Thus I continued about a year; all which time our neighbours did take me to be a
very godly man, a new and religious man, and did marvel much to see such a great
and famous alteration in my life and manners; and, indeed, so it was, though yet
I knew not Christ, nor grace, nor faith, nor hope; and truly, as I have well seen
since, had I then died, my state had been most fearful; well, this, I say, continued
about a twelvemonth or more.
But, I say, my neighbours were amazed at this my great conversion, from prodigious
profaneness, to something like a moral life; and, truly, so they well might; for
this my conversion was as great, as for Tom of Bedlam to become a sober man. Now,
therefore, they began to praise, to commend, and to speak well of me, both to my
face, and behind my back. Now, I was, as they said, become godly; now, I was become
a right honest man. But oh! when I understood that these were their words and opinions
of me, it pleased me mighty well. For though, as yet, I was nothing but a poor painted
hypocrite, yet I loved to be talked of as one that was truly godly. I was proud of
my godliness, and, I did all I did, either to be seen of, or to be well spoken of,
by man. And thus I continued for about a twelvemonth or more.
Now you must know, that before this I had taken much delight in ringing, but my conscience
beginning to be tender, I thought such practice was but vain, and therefore forced
myself to leave it, yet my mind hankered; wherefore I should go to the steeple house,
and look on it, though I durst not ring. But I thought this did not become religion
neither, yet I forced myself, and would look on still; but quickly after, I began
to think, How, if one of the bells should fall? Then I chose to stand under a main
beam, that lay overthwart the steeple, from side to side, thinking there I might
stand sure, but then I should think again, should the bell fall with a swing, it
might first hit the wall, and then rebounding upon me, might kill me for all this
beam. This made me stand in the steeple door; and now, thought I, I am safe enough;
for if a bell should then fall, I can slip out behind these thick walls, and so be
preserved notwithstanding.
So, after this, I would yet go to see them ring, but would not go farther than the
steeple door; but then it came into my head, How, if the steeple itself should fall?
And this thought, it may fall for aught I know, when I stood and looked on, did continually
so shake my mind, that I durst not stand at the steeple door any longer, but was
forced to flee, for fear the steeple should fall upon my head.
Another thing was my dancing; I was a full year before I could quite leave that;
but all this while, when I thought I kept this or that commandment, or did, by word
or deed, anything that I thought was good, I had great peace in my conscience; and
should think with myself, God cannot choose but be now pleased with me; yea, to relate
it in mine own way, I thought no man in England could please God better than I.
But, poor wretch as I was, I was all this while ignorant of Jesus Christ, and going
about to establish my own righteousness; and had perished therein, had not God, in
mercy, showed me more of my state of nature.
But upon a day, the good providence of God did cast me to Bedford, to work on my
calling; and in one of the streets of that town, I came where there were three or
four poor women sitting at a door in the sun, and talking about the things of God;
and being now willing to hear them discourse, I drew near to hear what they said,
for I was now a brisk talker also myself in the matters of religion, but now I may
say, I heard, but I understood not; for they were far above, out of my reach, for
their talk was about a new birth, the work of God on their hearts, also how they
were convinced of their miserable state by nature; they talked how God had visited
their souls with His love in the Lord Jesus, and with what words and promises they
had been refreshed, comforted, and supported against the temptations of the devil.
Moreover, they reasoned of the suggestions and temptations of Satan in particular;
and told to each other by which they had been afflicted, and how they were borne
up under his assaults. They also discoursed of their own wretchedness of heart, of
their unbelief; and did contemn, slight, and abhor their own righteousness, as filthy
and insufficient to do them any good.
And methought they spake as if joy did make them speak; they spake with such pleasantness
of Scripture language, and with such appearance of grace in all they said, that they
were to me as if they had found a new world, as if they were people that dwelt alone,
and were not to be reckoned among their neighbours (Num. 23.9).
At this I felt my own heart began to shake, as mistrusting my condition to be naught;
for I saw that in all my thoughts about religion and salvation, the new birth did
never enter into my mind, neither knew I the comfort of the Word and promise, nor
the deceitfulness and treachery of my own wicked heart. As for secret thoughts, I
took no notice of them; neither did I understand what Satan's temptations were, nor
how they were to be withstood and resisted, etc.
Thus, therefore, when I had heard and considered what they said, I left them, and
went about my employment again, but their talk and discourse went with me; also my
heart would tarry with them, for I was greatly affected with their words, both because
by them I was convinced that I wanted the true tokens of a truly godly man, and also
because by them I was convinced of the happy and blessed condition of him that was
such a one.
Therefore I should often make it my business to be going again and again into the
company of these poor people, for I could not stay away; and the more I went amongst
them, the more I did question my condition; and as I still do remember, presently
I found two things within me, at which I did sometimes marvel, especially considering
what a blind, ignorant, sordid, and ungodly wretch but just before I was; the one
was a great softness and tenderness of heart, which caused me to fall under the conviction
of what by Scripture they asserted; and the other was a great bending in my mind
to a continual meditating on it, and on all other good things which at any time I
heard or read of.
By these things my mind was now so turned, that it lay like a horse leech at the
vein, still crying out, Give, give (Prov. 30.15); yea, it was so fixed on eternity,
and on the things about the kingdom of heaven, that is, so far as I knew, though
as yet, God knows, I knew but little; that neither pleasures nor profits, nor persuasions,
nor threats, could loosen it, or make it let go his hold; and though I may speak
it with shame, yet it is in very deed a certain truth, it would then have been as
difficult for me to have taken my mind from heaven to earth, as I have found it often
since to get it again from earth to heaven.
One thing I may not omit: There was a young man in our town, to whom my heart was
knit more than to any other, but he being a most wicked creature for cursing, and
swearing, and whoring, I now shook him off, and forsook his company: but about a
quarter of a year after I had left him, I met him in a certain lane, and asked him
how he did; he, after his old swearing and mad way, answered, he was well. But, Harry,
said I, why do you swear and curse thus? What will become of you, if you die in this
condition? He answered me in a great chafe, What would the devil do for company,
if it were not for such as I am?
About this time I met with some Ranters' books, that were put forth by some of our
countrymen, which books were also highly in esteem by several old professors; some
of these I read, but was not able to make a judgment about them; wherefore as I read
in them, and thought upon them, feeling myself unable to judge, I should betake myself
to hearty prayer in this manner: O Lord, I am a fool, and not able to know the truth
from error: Lord, leave me not to my own blindness, either to approve of, or condemn
this doctrine; if it be of God, let me not despise it; if it be of the devil, let
me not embrace it. Lord, I lay my soul, in this matter, only at Thy foot; let me
not be deceived, I humbly beseech Thee. I had one religious intimate companion all
this while, and that was the poor man that I spoke of before; but about this time
he also turned a most devilish Ranter, and gave himself up to all manner of filthiness,
especially uncleanness; he would also deny that there was a God, angel, or spirit;
and would laugh at all exhortations to sobriety. When I laboured to rebuke his wickedness,
he would laugh the more, and pretend that he had gone through all religions, and
could never light on the right till now. He told me also, that in a little time we
should see all professors turn to the ways of the Ranters. Wherefore, abominating
those cursed principles, I left his company forthwith, and became to him as great
a stranger, as I had been before a familiar.
Neither was this man only a temptation to me; but my calling lying in the country,
I happened to light into several people's company, who, though strict in religion
formerly, yet were also swept away by these Ranters. These would also talk with me
of their ways, and condemn me as legal and dark; pretending that they had only attained
to perfection that could do what they would, and not sin. Oh! these temptations were
suitable to my flesh, I being but a young man, and my nature in its prime; but God,
who had, I hope, designed me for better things, kept me in the fear of His name,
and did not suffer me to accept of such principles. And blessed be God, who put it
into my heart to cry to Him to be kept and directed, still distrusting mine own wisdom;
for I have since seen even the effect of that prayer, in His preserving me not only
from ranting errors, but from those also that have sprung up since. The Bible was
precious to me in those days.
And now, methought, I began to look into the Bible with new eyes, and read as I never
did before; and especially the epistles of the apostle Paul were sweet and pleasant
to me; and, indeed, I was then never out of the Bible, either by reading or meditation;
still crying out to God, that I might know the truth, and way to heaven and glory.
And as I went on and read, I lighted on that passage, 'To one is given by the Spirit
the word of wisdom; to another the word of knowledge by the same Spirit; and to another
faith,' etc. (1 Cor. 12.8, 9). And though, as I have since seen, that by this Scripture
the Holy Ghost intends, in special, things extraordinary, yet on me it did then fasten
with conviction, that I did want things ordinary, even that understanding and wisdom
that other Christians had. On this word I mused, and could not tell what to do, especially
this word faith put me to it, for I could not help it, but sometimes must question,
whether I had any faith or no; for I feared that it shut me out of all the blessings
that other good people had given them of God; but I was loath to conclude I had no
faith in my soul; for if I do so, thought I, then I shall count myself a very castaway
indeed.
No, said I with myself, though I am convinced that I am an ignorant sot, and that
I want those blessed gifts of knowledge and understanding that other good people
have; yet, at a venture, I will conclude I am not altogether faithless, though I
know not what faith is. For it was showed me, and that too, as I have since seen,
by Satan, that those who conclude themselves in a faithless state, have neither rest
nor quiet in their souls; and I was loath to fall quite into despair.
Wherefore, by this suggestion, I was for a while made afraid to see my want of faith;
but God would not suffer me thus to undo and destroy my soul, but did continually,
against this my blind and sad conclusion, create still within me such suppositions,
insomuch that I might in this deceive myself, that I could not rest content, until
I did now come to some certain knowledge, whether I had faith or no; this always
running in my mind, But how if you want faith indeed? But how can you tell if you
have faith? And, besides, I saw for certain, if I had not, I was sure to perish for
ever.
So that though I endeavoured at the first to look over the business of faith, yet
in a little time, I better considering the matter, was willing to put myself upon
the trial, whether I had faith or no. But alas, poor wretch, so ignorant and brutish
was I, that I knew to this day no more how to do it, than I know how to begin and
accomplish that rare and curious piece of art which I never yet saw nor considered.
Wherefore, while I was thus considering, and being put to my plunge about it, for
you must know, that as yet I had in this matter broken my mind to no man, only did
hear and consider, the tempter came in with his delusion, That there was no way for
me to know I had faith, but by trying to work some miracle: urging those Scriptures
that seem to look that way, for the enforcing and strengthening his temptation. Nay,
one day as I was betwixt Elstow and Bedford, the temptation was hot upon me to try
if I had faith, by doing of some miracle: which miracle at that time was this, I
must say to the puddles that were in the horse pads, Be dry; and to the dry places,
Be you the puddles. And truly, one time I was a-going to say so indeed; but just
as I was about to speak, this thought came into my mind, But go under yonder hedge
and pray first, that God would make you able. But when I had concluded to pray, this
came hot upon me, That if I prayed, and came again and tried to do it, and yet did
nothing notwithstanding, then be sure I had no faith, but was a castaway and lost.
Nay, thought I, if it be so, I will never try yet, but will stay a little longer.
So I continued at a great loss; for I thought, if they only had faith, which could
do so wonderful things, then I concluded that, for the present, I neither had it,
nor yet, for time to come, were ever like to have it. Thus I was tossed between the
devil and my own ignorance, and so perplexed, especially at some times, that I could
not tell what to do.
About this time, the state and happiness of these poor people at Bedford was thus,
in a dream or vision, represented to me. I saw, as if they were set on the sunny
side of some high mountain, there refreshing themselves with the pleasant beams of
the sun, while I was shivering and shrinking in the cold, afflicted with frost, snow,
and dark clouds. Methought, also, betwixt me and them, I saw a wall that did compass
about this mountain; now, through this wall my soul did greatly desire to pass; concluding,
that if I could, I would go even into the very midst of them, and there also comfort
myself with the heat of their sun.
About this wall I thought myself, to go again and again, still prying as I went,
to see if I could find some way or passage, by which I might enter therein; but none
could I find for some time. At the last, I saw, as it were, a narrow gap, like a
little doorway in the wall, through which I attempted to pass; but the passage being
very strait and narrow, I made many efforts to get in, but all in vain, even until
I was well-nigh quite beat out, by striving to get in; at last, with great striving,
methought I at first did get in my head, and after that, by a sidling striving, my
shoulders, and my whole body; then I was exceeding glad, and went and sat down in
the midst of them, and so was comforted with the light and heat of their sun.
Now, this mountain and wall, etc., was thus made out to me-the mountain signified
the church of the living God; the sun that shone thereon, the comfortable shining
of His merciful face on them that were therein; the wall, I thought, was the Word,
that did make separation between the Christians and the world; and the gap which
was in this wall, I thought, was Jesus Christ, who is the way to God the Father (John
14.6; Matt. 7.14). But forasmuch as the passage was wonderful narrow, even so narrow,
that I could not, but with great difficulty, enter in thereat, it showed me that
none could enter into life, but those that were in downright earnest, and unless
they left this wicked world behind them; for here was only room for body and soul,
but not for body and soul, and sin.
This resemblance abode upon my spirit many days; all which time I saw myself in a
forlorn and sad condition, but yet was provoked to a vehement hunger and desire to
be one of that number that did sit in the sunshine. Now also I should pray wherever
I was, whether at home or abroad, in house or field, and should also often, with
lifting up of heart, sing that of the 51st Psalm, 'O Lord, consider my distress';
for as yet I knew not where I was.
Neither as yet could I attain to any comfortable persuasion that I had faith in Christ;
but instead of having satisfaction, here I began to find my soul to be assaulted
with fresh doubts about my future happiness; especially with such as these, Whether
I was elected? But how, if the day of grace should now be past and gone?
By these two temptations I was very much afflicted and disquieted; sometimes by one,
and sometimes by the other of them. And first, to speak of that about my questioning
my election, I found at this time, that though I was in a flame to find the way to
heaven and glory, and though nothing could beat me off from this, yet this question
did so offend and discourage me, that I was, especially at some times, as if the
very strength of my body also had been taken away by the force and power thereof.
This scripture did also seem to me to trample upon all my desires, 'It is not of
him that willeth, nor of him that runneth, but of God that sheweth mercy' (Rom. 9.16).
With this scripture I could not tell what to do; for I evidently saw, that unless
the great God, of His infinite grace and bounty, had voluntarily chosen me to be
a vessel of mercy, though I should desire, and long and labour until my heart did
break, no good could come of it. Therefore, this would still stick with me, How can
you tell that you are elected? And what if you should not? How then?
0 Lord, thought I, what if I should not, indeed? It may be you are not, said the
tempter; it may be so, indeed, thought I. Why, then, said Satan, you had as good
leave off, and strive no further; for if, indeed, you should not be elected and chosen
of God, there is no talk of your being saved; 'For it is neither of him that willeth,
nor of him that runneth, but of God that sheweth mercy.'
By these things I was driven to my wits' end, not knowing what to say, or how to
answer these temptations. Indeed, I little thought that Satan had thus assaulted
me, but that rather it was my own prudence, thus to start the question; for, that
the elect only attained eternal life, that I, without scruple, did heartily close
withal; but that myself was one of them, there lay all the question.
Thus, therefore, for several days, I was greatly assaulted and perplexed, and was
often, when I have been walking, ready to sink where I went, with faintness in my
mind; but one day, after I had been so many weeks oppressed and cast down therewith,
as I was now quite giving up the ghost of all my hopes of ever attaining life, that
sentence fell with weight upon my spirit, 'Look at the generations of old and see;
did ever any trust in the Lord, and was confounded?'
At which I was greatly lightened and encouraged in my soul; for thus, at that very
instant, it was expounded to me, Begin at the beginning of Genesis, and read to the
end of the Revelations, and see if you can find that there was ever any that trusted
in the Lord, and was confounded. So, coming home, I presently went to my Bible to
see if I could find that saying, not doubting but to find it presently; for it was
so fresh, and with such strength and comfort on my spirit, that I was as if it talked
with me.
Well, I looked, but I found it not; only it abode upon me; then I did ask first this
good man, and then another, if they knew where it was, but they knew no such place.
At this I wondered that such a sentence should so suddenly, and with such comfort
and strength, seize and abide upon my heart, and yet that none could find it, for
I doubted not but it was in holy Scripture.
Thus I continued above a year, and could not find the place; but at last, casting
my eye into the Apocrypha books, I found it in Ecclesiasticus 2.10. This, at the
first, did somewhat daunt me; but because, by this time, I had got more experience
of the love and kindness of God, it troubled me the less; especially when I considered,
that though it was not in those texts that we call holy and canonical, yet forasmuch
as this sentence was the sum and substance of many of the promises, it was my duty
to take the comfort of it; and I bless God for that word, for it was of God to me:
that word doth still, at times, shine before my face.
After this, that other doubt did come with strength upon me, But how if the day of
grace should be past and gone? How if you have overstood the time of mercy? Now,
I remember that one day, as I was walking into the country, I was much in the thoughts
of this, But how if the day of grace be past? And to aggravate my trouble, the tempter
presented to my mind those good people of Bedford, and suggested thus unto me, That
these being converted already, they were all that God would save in those parts;
and that I came too late, for these had got the blessing before I came.
Now was I in great distress, thinking in very deed that this might well be so; wherefore
I went up and down bemoaning my sad condition, counting myself far worse than a thousand
fools, for standing off thus long, and spending so many years in sin as I had done;
still crying out, Oh, that I had turned sooner! Oh, that I had turned seven years
ago! It made me also angry with myself, to think that I should have no more wit,
but to trifle away my time till my soul and heaven were lost.
But when I had been long vexed with this fear, and was scarce able to take one step
more, just about the same place where I received my other encouragement, these words
broke in upon my mind, 'Compel them to come in, that my house may be filled'; 'and
yet there is room' (Luke 14.22, 23). These words, but especially them, 'And yet there
is room', were sweet words to me; for, truly, I thought that by them I saw there
was place enough in heaven for me; and, moreover, that when the Lord Jesus did speak
these words, He then did think of me; and that He, knowing that the time would come
that I should be afflicted with fear that there was no place left for me in His bosom,
did before speak this word, and leave it upon record, that I might find help thereby
against this vile temptation. This, I then verily believed.
In the light and encouragement of this word, I went a pretty while; and the comfort
was the more, when I thought that the Lord Jesus should think on me so long ago,
and that He should speak those words on purpose for my sake; for I did then think,
verily, that He did on purpose speak them, to encourage me withal.
But I was not without my temptations to go back again; temptations, I say, both from
Satan, mine own heart, and carnal acquaintance; but I thank God these were outweighed
by that sound sense of death and of the day of judgment, which abode, as it were,
continually in my view; I should often also think on Nebuchadnezzar, of whom it is
said, He had given him all the kingdoms of the earth (Dan. 5.19). Yet, I thought,
if this great man had all his portion in this world, one hour in hell fire would
make him forget all. Which consideration was a great help to me.
I was almost made, about this time, to see something concerning the beasts that Moses
counted clean and unclean. I thought those beasts were types of men; the clean, types
of them that were the people of God; but the unclean, types of such as were the children
of the wicked one. Now, I read that the clean beasts chewed the cud; that is, thought
I, they show us we must feed upon the Word of God. They also parted the hoof; I thought
that signified we must part, if we would be saved, with the ways of ungodly men.
And also, in further reading about them I found that though we did chew the cud as
the hare, yet if we walked with claws like a dog, or if we did part the hoof like
the swine, yet if we did not chew the cud as the sheep, we were still, for all that,
but unclean; for I thought the hare to be a type of those that talk of the Word,
yet walk in the ways of sin; and that the swine was like him that parted with his
outward pollutions, but still wanteth the Word of faith, without which there could
be no way of salvation, let a man be never so devout (Deut.14). After this I found,
by reading the Word, that those that must be glorified with Christ in another world
must be called by Him here; called to the partaking of a share in His Word and righteousness,
and to the comforts and first fruits of His Spirit, and to a peculiar interest in
all those heavenly things which do indeed fore fit the soul for that rest and house
of glory which is in heaven above.
Here, again, I was at a very great stand, not knowing what to do, fearing I was not
called; for, thought I, if I be not called, what then can do me good? None but those
who are effectually called, inherit the kingdom of heaven. But oh! how I now loved
those words that spake of a Christian's calling! as when the Lord said to one, 'Follow
me', and to another, 'Come after me'. And oh! thought I, that He would say so to
me too, how gladly would I run after him!
I cannot now express with what longings and breakings in my soul I cried to Christ
to call me. Thus I continued for a time, all on a flame to be converted to Jesus
Christ; and did also see at that day, such glory in a converted state, that I could
not be contented without a share therein. Gold! could it have been gotten for gold,
what could I have given for it! had I a whole world it had all gone ten thousand
times over for this, that my soul might have been in a converted state.
How lovely now was everyone in my eyes that I thought to be converted men and women!
they shone, they walked like a people that carried the broad seal of heaven about
them. Oh! I saw the lot was fallen to them in pleasant places, and they had a goodly
heritage (Ps. 16.6). But that which made me sick was that of Christ, in Mark, He
went up into a mountain and called to Him whom He would, and they came unto Him (Mark
3.13).
This scripture made me faint and fear, yet it kindled fire in my soul. That which
made me fear was this, lest Christ should have no liking to me, for He called 'whom
he would'. But oh! the glory that I saw in that condition did still so engage my
heart that I could seldom read of any that Christ did call but I presently wished,
Would I had been in their clothes; would I had been born Peter; would I had been
born John; or would I had been by and had heard Him when He called them, how would
I have cried, O Lord, call me also. But oh! I feared He would not call me.
And truly the Lord let me go thus many months together and showed me nothing; either
that I was already, or should be called hereafter. But at last, after much time spent,
and many groans to God, that I might be made partaker of the holy and heavenly calling,
that Word came in upon me: 'I will cleanse their blood that I have not cleansed:
for the Lord dwelleth in Zion' (Joel 3.21). These words I thought were sent to encourage
me to wait still upon God, and signified unto me, that if I were not already, yet
time might come, I might be in truth converted to Christ.
About this time I began to break my mind to those poor people in Bedford, and to
tell them my condition, which, when they had heard, they told Mr. Gifford of me,
who himself also took occasion to talk with me, and was willing to be well persuaded
of me, though I think but from little grounds: but he invited me to his house, where
I should hear him confer with others, about the dealings of God with the soul; from
all which I still received more conviction, and from that time began to see something
of the vanity and inward wretchedness of my wicked heart, for as yet I knew no great
matter therein; but now it began to be discovered unto me, and also to work at that
rate for wickedness as it never did before. Now I evidently found that lusts and
corruptions would strongly put forth themselves within me, in wicked thoughts and
desires, which I did not regard before; my desires for heaven and life began to fail.
I found also, that whereas my soul was full of longing after God, now my heart began
to hanker after every foolish vanity; yea, my heart would not be moved to mind that
that was good; it began to be careless, both of my soul and heaven; it would now
continually hang back, both to, and in every duty; and was as a clog on the leg of
a bird to hinder her from flying.
Nay, thought I, now I grow worse and worse; now am I farther from conversion than
ever I was before. Wherefore I began to sink greatly in my soul, and began to entertain
such discouragement in my heart as laid me low as hell. If now I should have burned
at a stake, I could not believe that Christ had love for me; alas, I could neither
hear Him, nor see Him, nor feel Him, nor savour any of His things; I was driven as
with a tempest, my heart would be unclean, the Canaanites would dwell in the land.
Sometimes I would tell my condition to the people of God, which, when they heard,
they would pity me, and would tell me of the promises; but they had as good have
told me that I must reach the sun with my finger as have bidden me receive or rely
upon the promise; and as soon as I should have done it, all my sense and feeling
was against me; and I saw I had a heart that would sin, and that lay under a law
that would condemn.
These things have often made me think of that child which the father brought to Christ,
who, while he was yet a-coming to him, was thrown down by the devil, and also so
rent and torn by him that he lay and wallowed, foaming (Luke 9.42, Mark 9.20).
Further, in these days I should find my heart to shut itself up against the Lord,
and against His holy Word. I have found my unbelief to set, as it were, the shoulder
to the door to keep Him out, and that too even then, when I have with many a bitter
sigh cried, Good Lord, break it open; Lord, break these gates of brass, and cut these
bars of iron asunder (Ps. 107.16). Yet that word would sometimes create in my heart
a peaceable pause, 'I girded thee, though thou hast not known me' (Isa. 45.5).
But all this while as to the act of sinning, I never was more tender than now; I
durst not take a pin or a stick, though but so big as a straw, for my conscience
now was sore, and would smart at every touch; I could not now tell how to speak my
words, for fear I should misplace them. Oh, how gingerly did I then go in all I did
or said! I found myself as on a miry bog that shook if I did but stir; and was there
left both of God and Christ, and the Spirit, and all good things.
But, I observe, though I was such a great sinner before conversion, yet God never
much charged the guilt of the sins of my ignorance upon me; only He showed me I was
lost if I had not Christ, because I had been a sinner; I saw that I wanted a perfect
righteousness to present me without fault before God, and this righteousness was
nowhere to be found, but in the person of Jesus Christ.
But my original and inward pollution, that, that was my plague and my affliction;
that, I say, at a dreadful rate, always putting forth itself within me; that I had
the guilt of, to amazement; by reason of that, I was more loathsome in my own eyes
than was a toad; and I thought I was so in God's eyes too; sin and corruption, I
said, would as naturally bubble out of my heart, as water would bubble out of a fountain.
I thought now that everyone had a better heart than I had; I could have changed heart
with anybody; I thought none but the devil himself could equalize me for inward wickedness
and pollution of mind. I fell, therefore, at the sight of my own vileness, deeply
into despair; for I concluded that this condition that I was in could not stand with
a state of grace. Sure, thought I, I am forsaken of God; sure I am given up to the
devil, and to a reprobate mind; and thus I continued a long while, even for some
years together.
While I was thus afflicted with the fears of my own damnation, there were two things
would make me wonder; the one was, when I saw old people hunting after the things
of this life, as if they should live here always; the other was, when I found professors
much distressed and cast down, when they met with outward losses, as of husband,
wife, child, etc. Lord, thought I, what ado is here about such little things as these!
What seeking after carnal things by some, and what grief in others for the loss of
them! If they so much labour after, and spend so many tears for the things of this
present life, how am I to be bemoaned, pitied, and prayed for! My soul is dying,
my soul is damning. Were my soul but in a good condition, and were I but sure of
it, oh! how rich I should esteem myself, though blessed but with bread and water;
I should count those but small afflictions, and should bear them as little burdens.
'A wounded spirit who can bear?'
And though I was thus troubled, and tossed, and afflicted, with the sight and sense
and terror of my own wickedness, yet I was afraid to let this sight and sense go
quite off my mind; for I found that, unless guilt of conscience was taken off the
right way, that is, by the blood of Christ, a man grew rather worse for the loss
of his trouble of mind, than better. Wherefore, if my guilt lay hard upon me, then
I should cry that the blood of Christ might take it off; and if it was going off
without it (for the sense of sin would be sometimes as if it would die, and go quite
away), then I would also strive to fetch it upon my heart again, by bringing the
punishment for sin in hell fire upon my spirits; and should cry, Lord, let it not
go off my heart, but the right way, but by the blood of Christ, and by the application
of Thy mercy, through Him, to my soul; for that scripture lay much upon me, 'without
shedding of blood is no remission' (Heb. 9.22). And that which made me the more afraid
of this was, because I had seen some who, though when they were under wounds of conscience,
then they would cry and pray; but they seeking rather present ease from their trouble,
than pardon for their sin, cared not how they lost their guilt, so they got it out
of their mind; and, therefore, having got it off the wrong way, it was not sanctified
unto them; but they grew harder and blinder, and more wicked after their trouble.
This made me afraid, and made me cry to God the more, that it might not be so with
me.
And now was I sorry that God had made me a man, for I feared I was a reprobate; I
counted man as unconverted, the most doleful of all the creatures. Thus being afflicted
and tossed about my sad condition, I counted myself alone, and above the most of
men unblessed.
Yea, I thought it impossible that ever I should attain to so much goodness of heart,
as to thank God that He had made me a man. Man indeed is the most noble by creation,
of all creatures in the visible world; but by sin he has made himself the most ignoble.
The beasts, birds, fishes, etc., I blessed their condition, for they had not a sinful
nature, they were not obnoxious in the sight of God; they were not to go to hell
fire after death; I could therefore have rejoiced had my condition been as any of
theirs.
In this condition I went a great while; but when comforting time was come, I heard
one preach a sermon upon those words in the Song 4.1, 'Behold thou art fair, my love;
behold, thou art fair.' But at that time he made these two words, 'My love', his
chief and subject matter; from which, after he had a little opened the text, he observed
these several conclusions: 1. That the Church, and so every saved soul, is Christ's
love, when loveless. 2. Christ's love without a cause. 3. Christ's love when hated
of the world. 4. Christ's love when under temptation, and under desertion. 5. Christ's
love from first to last.
But I got nothing by what he said at present, only when he came to the application
of the fourth particular, this was the word he said: If it be so, that the saved
soul is Christ's love when under temptation and desertion; then, poor tempted soul,
when thou art assaulted and afflicted with temptation, and the hidings of God's face,
yet think on these two words, 'My love', still.
So as I was a-going home, these words came again into my thoughts; and I well remember,
as I came in, I said thus in my heart, What shall I get by thinking on these two
words? This thought had no sooner passed through my heart, but the words began thus
to kindle in my spirit, 'Thou art my love, thou art my love', twenty times together;
and still as they ran thus in my mind, they waxed stronger and warmer, and began
to make me look up; but being as yet between hope and fear, I still replied in my
heart, But is it true, but is it true? At which, that sentence fell in upon me, he
'wist not that it was true which was done by the angel' (Acts 12.9).
Then I began to give place to the word, which, with power, did over and over make
this joyful sound within my soul, Thou art my love, thou art my love; and nothing
shall separate thee from my love; and with that, Rom 8.39 came into my mind. Now
was my heart filled full of comfort and hope, and now I could believe that my sins
should be forgiven me; yea, I was now so taken with the love and mercy of God, that
I remember I could not tell how to contain till I got home; I thought I could have
spoken of His love, and of His mercy to me, even to the very crows that sat upon
the ploughed lands before me, had they been capable to have understood me; wherefore
I said in my soul with much gladness, Well, I would I had a pen and ink here, I would
write this down before I go any farther, for surely I will not forget this forty
years hence; but alas! within less than forty days, I began to question all again;
which made me begin to question all still.
Yet still at times, I was helped to believe that it was a true manifestation of grace
unto my soul, though I had lost much of the life and savour of it. Now about a week
or fortnight after this, I was much followed by this scripture, 'Simon, Simon, behold
Satan hath desired to have you' (Luke 22.31). And sometimes it would sound so loud
within me, yea, and as it were call so strongly after me, that once above all the
rest, I turned my head over my shoulder, thinking verily that some man had, behind
me, called to me; being at a great distance, methought he called so loud; it came,
as I have thought since, to have stirred me up to prayer, and to watchfulness; it
came to acquaint me that a cloud and a storm was coming down upon me, but I understood
it not.
Also, as I remember, that time that it called to me so loud, was the last time that
it sounded in mine ear; but methinks I hear still with what a loud voice these words,
Simon, Simon, sounded in mine ears. I thought verily, as I have told you, that somebody
had called after me, that was half a mile behind me; and although that was not my
name, yet it made me suddenly look behind me, believing that he that called so loud
meant me.
But so foolish was I, and ignorant, that I knew not the reason of this sound; which,
as I did both see and feel soon after, was sent from heaven as an alarm, to awaken
me to provide for what was coming; only it would make me muse and wonder in my mind,
to think what should be the reason that this scripture, and that at this rate, so
often and so loud, should still be sounding and rattling in mine ears; but, as I
said before, I soon after perceived the end of God therein.
For about the space of a month after, a very great storm came down upon me, which
handled me twenty times worse than all I had met with before; it came stealing upon
me, now by one piece, then by another; first, all my comfort was taken from me, then
darkness seized upon me, after which whole floods of blasphemies, both against God,
Christ, and the Scriptures, were poured upon my spirit, to my great confusion and
astonishment. These blasphemous thoughts were such as also stirred up questions in
me, against the very being of God, and of His only beloved Son; as whether there
were, in truth, a God, or Christ, or no? And whether the holy Scriptures were not
rather a fable, and cunning story, than the holy and pure Word of God?
The tempter would also much assault me with this, How can you tell but that the Turks
had as good Scriptures to prove their Mahomet the Saviour, as we have to prove our
Jesus is? And, could I think, that so many ten thousands, in so many countries and
kingdoms, should be without the knowledge of the right way to heaven; if there were
indeed a heaven, and that we only, who live in a corner of the earth, should alone
be blessed therewith? Everyone doth think his own religion rightest, both Jews and
Moors, and Pagans! and how if all our faith, and Christ, and Scriptures, should be
but a think-so too?
Sometimes I have endeavoured to argue against these suggestions, and to set some
of the sentences of blessed Paul against them; but, alas! I quickly felt, when I
thus did, such arguings as these would return again upon me, Though we made so great
a matter of Paul, and of his words, yet how could I tell, but that in very deed,
he being a subtle and cunning man, might give himself up to deceive with strong delusions;
and also take both that pains and travail, to undo and destroy his fellows?
These suggestions, with many other which at this time I may not, nor dare not utter,
neither by word nor pen, did make such a seizure upon my spirit, and did so overweigh
my heart, both with their number, continuance, and fiery force, that I felt as if
there were nothing else but these from morning to night within me; and as though,
indeed, there could be room for nothing else; and also concluded that God had, in
very wrath to my soul, given me up unto them, to be carried away with them, as with
a mighty whirlwind.
Only by the distaste that they gave unto my spirit, I felt there was something in
me that refused to embrace them. But this consideration I then only had, when God
gave me leave to swallow my spittle, otherwise the noise, and strength, and force
of these temptations, would drown and overflow, and as it were bury all such thoughts
or the remembrance of any such thing. While I was in this temptation, I should often
find my mind suddenly put upon it, to curse and swear, or to speak some grievous
thing against God, or Christ His Son, and of the Scriptures.
Now I thought, surely I am possessed of the devil; at other times again, I thought
I should be bereft of my wits; for instead of lauding and magnifying God the Lord
with others, if I have but heard Him spoken of, presently some most horrible blasphemous
thought or other would bolt out of my heart against Him; so that whether I did think
that God was, or again did think there were no such thing, no love, nor peace, nor
gracious disposition could I feel within me.
These things did sink me into very deep despair; for I concluded, that such things
could not possibly be found amongst them that loved God. I often, when these temptations
have been with force upon me, did compare myself in the case of such a child, whom
some gipsy hath by force took up under her apron, and is carrying from friend and
country; kick sometimes I did, and also scream and cry; but yet I was as bound in
the wings of the temptation, and the wind would carry me away. I thought also of
Saul, and of the evil spirit that did possess him; and did greatly fear that my condition
was the same with that of his (1 Sam. 16.14).
In these days, when I have heard others talk of what was the sin against the Holy
Ghost, then would the tempter so provoke me to desire to sin that sin, that I was
as if I could not, must not, neither should be quiet until I had committed that;
now, no sin would serve but that; if it were to be committed by speaking of such
a word, then I have been as if my mouth would have spoken that word, whether I would
or no; and in so strong a measure was this temptation upon me, that often I have
been ready to clap my hand under my chin, to hold my mouth from opening; and to that
end also I have had thoughts at other times, to leap with my head downward, into
some muck-hill hole or other, to keep my mouth from speaking.
Now I blessed the condition of the dog and toad, and counted the estate of everything
that God had made far better than this dreadful state of mine, and such as my companions
was; yea, gladly would I have been in the condition of dog or horse, for I knew they
had no soul to perish under the everlasting weights of hell for sin, as mine was
like to do. Nay, and though I saw this, felt this, and was broken to pieces with
it, yet that which added to my sorrow was, that I could not find that with all my
soul I did desire deliverance. That scripture did also tear and rend my soul, in
the midst of these distractions, 'The wicked are like the troubled sea, when it cannot
rest, whose waters cast up mire and dirt. There is no peace, saith my God, to the
wicked' (Isa. 57.20, 21).
And now my heart was, at times, exceeding hard; if I would have given a thousand
pounds for a tear, I could not shed one; no, nor sometimes scarce desire to shed
one. I was much dejected to think that this should be my lot. I saw some could mourn
and lament their sin; and others, again, could rejoice, and bless God for Christ;
and others, again, could quietly talk of, and with gladness remember, the Word of
God; while I only was in the storm or tempest. This much sunk me; I thought my condition
was alone. I should, therefore, much bewail my hard hap; but get out of, or get rid
of, these things, I could not.
While this temptation lasted, which was about a year, I could attend upon none of
the ordinances of God but with sore and great affliction. Yea, then was I most distressed
with blasphemies; if I have been hearing the Word, then uncleanness, blasphemies
and despair would hold me as captive there; if I have been reading, then, sometimes,
I had sudden thoughts to question all I read; sometimes, again, my mind would be
so strangely snatched away, and possessed with other things, that I have neither
known, nor regarded, nor remembered so much as the sentence that but now I have read.
In prayer, also, I have been greatly troubled at this time; sometimes I have thought
I should see the devil; nay, thought I have felt him, behind me, pull my clothes;
he would be, also, continually at me in the time of prayer to have done; break off,
make haste, you have prayed enough, and stay no longer, still drawing my mind away.
Sometimes, also, he would cast in such wicked thoughts as these: that I must pray
to him, or for him. I have thought sometimes of that-Fall down, or, 'if thou wilt
fall down and worship me' (Matt. 4.9).
Also, when, because I have had wandering thoughts in the time of this duty, I have
laboured to compose my mind and fix it upon God, then, with great force, hath the
tempter laboured to distract me, and confound me, and to turn away my mind, by presenting
to my heart and fancy the form of a bush, a bull, a besom, or the like, as if I should
pray to those; to these he would, also, at some times especially, so hold my mind
that I was as if I could think of nothing else, or pray to nothing else but to these,
or such as they.
Yet, at times I should have some strong and heart-affecting apprehensions of God,
and the reality of the truth of His gospel; but, oh! how would my heart, at such
times, put forth itself with inexpressible groanings. My whole soul was then in every
word; I should cry with pangs after God that He would be merciful unto me; but then
I should be daunted again with such conceits as these: I should think that God did
mock at these, my prayers, saying, and that in the audience of the holy angels, This
poor simple wretch doth hanker after Me as if I had nothing to do with My mercy but
to bestow it on such as he. Alas, poor fool! how art thou deceived; It is not for
such as thee to have favour with the Highest.
Then hath the tempter come upon me, also, with such discouragements as these: You
are very hot for mercy, but I will cool you; this frame shall not last always; many
have been as hot as you for a spirit, but I have quenched their zeal. And with this,
such and such who were fallen off would be set before mine eyes. Then I should be
afraid that I should do so too; but, thought I, I am glad this comes into my mind.
Well, I will watch, and take what heed I can. Though you do, said Satan, I shall
be too hard for you; I will cool you insensibly, by degrees, by little and little.
What care I, saith he, though I be seven years in chilling your heart if I can do
it at last? Continual rocking will lull a crying child asleep. I will ply it close,
but I will have my end accomplished. Though you be burning hot at present, yet, if
I can pull you from this fire, I shall have you cold before it be long.
These things brought me into great straits; for as I at present could not find myself
fit for present death, so I thought to live long would make me yet more unfit; for
time would make me forget all, and wear even the remembrance of the evil of sin,
the worth of heaven, and the need I had of the blood of Christ to wash me, both out
of mind and thought; but I thank Christ Jesus these things did not at present make
me slack my crying, but rather did put me more upon it, like her who met with the
adulterer (Deut. 22.27); in which days that was a good word to me after I had suffered
these things a while: 'I am persuaded that neither_5height, nor depth, nor life,'
etc., 'shall_5separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus' (Rom. 8.38).
And now I hoped long life should not destroy me, nor make me miss of heaven.
Yet I had some supports in this temptation, though they were then all questioned
by me; that in the third of Jeremiah, at the first, was something to me, and so was
the consideration of the fifth verse of that chapter; that though we have spoken
and done as evil things as we could, yet we should cry unto God, 'My Father, Thou
art the guide of my youth'; and should return unto Him.
I had, also, once a sweet glance from that in II Cor. 5.21: 'For he hath made him
to be sin for us, who knew no sin; that we might be made the righteousness of God
in him.' I remember, also, that one day as I was sitting in a neighbour's house,
and there very sad at the consideration of my many blasphemies, and as I was saying
in my mind, What ground have I to think that I, who have been so vile and abominable,
should ever inherit eternal life? that word came suddenly upon me, 'What shall we
then say to these things? If God be for us, who can be against us?' (Rom. 8.31).
That, also, was an help unto me, 'Because I live, ye shall live also' (John 14.19).
But these were but hints, touches, and short visits, though very sweet when present;
only they lasted not; but, like to Peter's sheet, of a sudden were caught up from
me to heaven again (Acts 10.16).
But afterwards the Lord did more fully and graciously discover Himself unto me; and,
indeed, did quite, not only deliver me from the guilt that, by these things, was
laid upon my conscience, but also from the very filth thereof; for the temptation
was removed, and I was put into my right mind again, as other Christians were.
I remember that one day, as I was travelling into the country and musing on the wickedness
and blasphemy of my heart, and considering of the enmity that was in me to God, that
scripture came in my mind, He hath 'made peace through the blood of his cross' (Col.
1.20). By which I was made to see, both again, and again, and again, that day, that
God and my soul were friends by this blood; yea, I saw that the justice of God and
my sinful soul could embrace and kiss each other through this blood. This was a good
day to me; I hope I shall not forget it.
At another time, as I sat by the fire in my house, and musing on my wretchedness,
the Lord made that also a precious word unto me, 'Forasmuch, then, as the children
are partakers of flesh and blood, he also himself likewise took part of the same;
that through death he might destroy him that had the power of death, that is, the
devil, and deliver them who, through fear of death, were all their lifetime subject
to bondage' (Heb. 2.14, 15). I thought that the glory of these words was then so
weighty on me that I was, both once and twice, ready to swoon as I sat; yet not with
grief and trouble, but with solid joy and peace.
At this time, also, I sat under the ministry of holy Mr. Gifford, whose doctrine,
by God's grace, was much for my stability. This man made it much his business to
deliver the people of God from all those faults and unsound rests that, by nature,
we are prone to take and make to our souls. He pressed up to take special heed that
we took not up any truth upon trust-as from this, or that, or any other man or men-
but to cry mightily to God that He would convince us of the reality thereof, and
set us down therein, by His own Spirit, in the holy Word; for, said he, if you do
otherwise when temptations come, if strongly, you, not having received them with
evidence from heaven, will find you want that help and strength now to resist as
once you thought you had.
This was as seasonable to my soul as the former and latter rain in their season;
for I had found, and that by sad experience, the truth of these his words; for I
had felt what no man can say, especially when tempted by the devil, that Jesus Christ
is Lord but by the Holy Ghost. Wherefore I found my soul, through grace, very apt
to drink in this doctrine, and to incline to pray to God that, in nothing that pertained
to God's glory and my own eternal happiness, He would suffer me to be without the
confirmation thereof from heaven; for now I saw clearly there was an exceeding difference
betwixt the notions of flesh and blood, and the revelations of God in heaven; also,
a great difference between that faith that is feigned, and according to man's wisdom,
and of that which comes by a man's being born thereto of God (Matt. 16.15- 17; 1
John 5.1).
But, oh! now, how was my soul led from truth to truth by God! even from the birth
and cradle of the Son of God to His ascension and second coming from heaven to judge
the world.
Truly, I then found, upon this account, the great God was very good unto me; for,
to my remembrance, there was not anything that I then cried unto God to make known
and reveal unto me but He was pleased to do it for me; I mean not one part of the
gospel of the Lord Jesus, but I was orderly led into it. Methought I saw with great
evidence, from the relation of the four evangelists, the wonderful work of God, in
giving Jesus Christ to save us, from His conception and birth even to His second
coming to judgment. Methought I was as if I had seen Him born, as if I had seen Him
grow up, as if I had seen Him walk through this world, from the cradle to His cross:
to which, also, when He came, I saw how gently He gave Himself to be hanged and nailed
on it for my sins and wicked doings. Also, as I was musing on this, His progress,
that dropped on my spirit, He was ordained for the slaughter (1 Pet. 1.19, 20).
When I have considered also the truth of His resurrection, and have remembered that
word, 'Touch me not, Mary,' etc., I have seen as if He leaped at the grave's mouth
for joy that He was risen again, and had got the conquest over our dreadful foes
(John 20.17). I have also, in the spirit, seen Him a man on the right hand of God
the Father for me, and have seen the manner of His coming from heaven to judge the
world with glory, and have been confirmed in these things by these scriptures following,
Acts 1.9, 10; 7.56; 10.42; Heb. 7.24; 8.3; Rev. 1.18; 1 Thess. 4.17, 18.
Once I was much troubled to know whether the Lord Jesus was both man as well as God,
and God as well as man; and truly, in those days, let men say what they would, unless
I had it with evidence from heaven, all was as nothing to me, I counted not myself
set down in any truth of God. Well, I was much troubled about this point, and could
not tell how to be resolved; at last, that in the fifth of the Revelations came into
my mind, 'And I beheld, and lo, in the midst of the throne and of the four beasts,
and in the midst of the elders, stood a Lamb.' In the midst of the throne, thought
I, there is His Godhead; in the midst of the elders, there is His manhood; but oh!
methought this did glister! it was a goodly touch, and gave me sweet satisfaction.
That other scripture also did help me much in this, 'To us a child is born, unto
us a son is given; and the government shall be on his shoulder: and his name shall
be called Wonderful, Counsellor, The mighty God, The everlasting Father, The Prince
of Peace,' etc. (Isa. 9.6).
Also, besides these teachings of God in His Word, the Lord made use of two things
to confirm me in these things; the one was the errors of the Quakers, and the other
was the guilt of sin; for as the Quakers did oppose His truth, so God did the more
confirm me in it, by leading me into the scriptures that did wonderfully maintain
it.
The errors that this people then maintained were: 1. That the holy Scriptures were
not the Word of God. 2. That every man in the world had the spirit of Christ, grace,
faith, etc. 3. That Christ Jesus, as crucified, and dying 1600 years ago, did not
satisfy divine justice for the sins of the people. 4. That Christ's flesh and blood
was within the saints. 5. That the bodies of the good and bad that are buried in
the churchyard shall not arise again. 6. That the resurrection is past with good
men already. 7. That that man Jesus, that was crucified between two thieves on Mount
Calvary, in the land of Canaan, by Jerusalem, was not ascended up above the starry
heavens. 8. That He should not, even the same Jesus that died by the hands of the
Jews, come again at the last day, and as man judge all nations, etc.
Many more vile and abominable things were in those days fomented by them, by which
I was driven to a more narrow search of the Scriptures, and was, through their light
and testimony, not only enlightened, but greatly confirmed and comforted in the truth;
and, as I said, the guilt of sin did help me much, for still as that would come upon
me, the blood of Christ did take it off again, and again, and again, and that too,
sweetly, according to the Scriptures. O friends! cry to God to reveal Jesus Christ
unto you; there is none teacheth like Him.
It would be too long for me here to stay, to tell you in particular how God did set
me down in all the things of Christ, and how He did, that He might do so, lead me
into His words; yea, and also how He did open them unto me, make them shine before
me, and comfort me over and over, both of His own being, and the being of His Son,
and Spirit, and Word, and gospel.
Only this, as I said before I will say unto you again, that in general He was pleased
to take this course with me; first, to suffer me to be afflicted with temptation
concerning them, and then reveal them to me: as sometimes I should lie under great
guilt for sin, even crushed to the ground therewith, and then the Lord would show
me the death of Christ; yea, and so sprinkle my conscience with His blood, that I
should find, and that before I was aware, that in that conscience where but just
now did reign and rage the law, even there would rest and abide the peace and love
of God through Christ.
Now had I an evidence, as I thought, of my salvation from heaven, with many golden
seals thereon, all hanging in my sight; now could I remember this manifestation and
the other discovery of grace, with comfort; and should often long and desire that
the last day were come, that I might for ever be inflamed with the sight, and joy,
and communion with Him whose head was crowned with thorns, whose face was spit on,
and body broken, and soul made an offering for my sins: for whereas, before, I lay
continually trembling at the mouth of hell, now methought I was got so far therefrom
that I could not, when I looked back, scarce discern it; and oh! thought I, that
I were fourscore years old now, that I might die quickly, that my soul might be gone
to rest.
But before I had got thus far out of these my temptations, I did greatly long to
see some ancient godly man's experience, who had writ some hundreds of years before
I was born; for those who had writ in our days, I thought, but I desire them now
to pardon me, that they had writ only that which others felt, or else had, through
the strength of their wits and parts, studied to answer such objections as they perceived
others were perplexed with, without going down themselves into the deep. Well, after
many such longings in my mind, the God in whose hands are all our days and ways,
did cast into my hand, one day, a book of Martin Luther; it was his comment on the
Galatians-it also was so old that it was ready to fall piece from piece if I did
but turn it over. Now I was pleased much that such an old book had fallen into my
hands; the which, when I had but a little way perused, I found my condition, in his
experience, so largely and profoundly handled, as if his book had been written out
of my heart. This made me marvel; for thus thought I, This man could not know anything
of the state of Christians now, but must needs write and speak the experience of
former days.
Besides, he doth most gravely, also, in that book, debate of the rise of these temptations,
namely, blasphemy, desperation, and the like; showing that the law of Moses as well
as the devil, death, and hell hath a very great hand therein, the which, at first,
was very strange to me; but considering and watching, I found it so indeed. But of
particulars here I intend nothing; only this, methinks, I must let fall before all
men, I do prefer this book of Martin Luther upon the Galatians, excepting the Holy
Bible, before all the books that ever I have seen, as most fit for a wounded conscience.
And now I found, as I thought, that I loved Christ dearly; oh! methought my soul
cleaved unto Him, my affections cleaved unto Him, I felt love unto Him as hot as
fire; and now, as Job said, I thought I should die in my nest; but I did quickly
find that my great love was but little, and that I, who had, as I thought, such burning
love to Jesus Christ, could let Him go again for a very trifle; God can tell how
to abase us, and can hide pride from man. Quickly after this my love was tried to
purpose.
For after the Lord had, in this manner, thus graciously delivered me from this great
and sore temptation, and had set me down so sweetly in the faith of His holy gospel,
and had given me such strong consolation and blessed evidence from heaven touching
my interest in His love through Christ; the tempter came upon me again, and that
with a more grievous and dreadful temptation than before.
And that was, To sell and part with this most blessed Christ, to exchange Him for
the things of this life, for anything. The temptation lay upon me for the space of
a year, and did follow me so continually that I was not rid of it one day in a month,
no, not sometimes one hour in many days together, unless when I was asleep.
And though, in my judgment, I was persuaded that those who were once effectually
in Christ, as I hoped, through His grace, I had seen myself, could never lose Him
for ever-for 'the land shall not be sold for ever, for the land is mine,' saith God
(Lev. 25.23)-yet it was a continual vexation to me to think that I should have so
much as one such thought within me against a Christ, a Jesus, that had done for me
as He had done; and yet then I had almost none others, but such blasphemous ones.
But it was neither my dislike of the thought, nor yet any desire and endeavour to
resist it that in the least did shake or abate the continuation, or force and strength
thereof; for it did always, in almost whatever I thought, intermix itself therewith
in such sort that I could neither eat my food, stoop for a pin, chop a stick, or
cast mine eye to look on this, or that, but still the temptation would come, Sell
Christ for this, or sell Christ for that; sell Him, sell Him.
Sometimes it would run in my thoughts, not so little as a hundred times together,
Sell Him, sell Him, sell Him; against which I may say, for whole hours together,
I have been forced to stand as continually leaning and forcing my spirit against
it, lest haply, before I were aware, some wicked thought might arise in my heart
that might consent thereto; and sometimes also the tempter would make me believe
I had consented to it, then should I be as tortured upon a rack for whole days together.
This temptation did put me to such scares, lest I should at sometimes, I say, consent
thereto, and be overcome therewith, that by the very force of my mind in labouring
to gainsay and resist this wickedness, my very body also would be put into action
or motion by way of pushing or thrusting with my hands or elbows, still answering
as fast as the destroyer said, Sell Him; I will not, I will not, I will not, I will
not; no, not for thousands, thousands, thousands of worlds. Thus reckoning lest I
should in the midst of these assaults, set too low a value of Him, even until I scarce
well knew where I was, or how to be composed again.
At these seasons he would not let me eat my food at quiet; but, forsooth, when I
was set at the table at my meat, I must go hence to pray; I must leave my food now,
and just now, so counterfeit holy also would this devil be. When I was thus tempted,
I should say in myself, Now I am at my meat, let me make an end. No, said he, you
must do it now, or you will displease God, and despise Christ. Wherefore I was much
afflicted with these things; and because of the sinfulness of my nature, imagining
that these things were impulses from God, I should deny to do it, as if I denied
God; and then should I be as guilty, because I did not obey a temptation of the devil,
as if I had broken the law of God indeed.
But to be brief, one morning, as I did lie in my bed, I was, at other times, most
fiercely assaulted with this temptation, to sell and part with Christ; the wicked
suggestion still running in my mind, Sell Him, sell Him, sell Him, sell Him, sell
Him, as fast as a man could speak; against which also, in my mind, as at other times,
I answered, No, no, not for thousands, thousands, thousands, at least twenty times
together. But at last, after much striving, even until I was almost out of breath,
I felt this thought pass through my heart, Let Him go, if He will! and I thought
also, that I felt my heart freely consent thereto. Oh, the diligence of Satan! Oh,
the desperateness of man's heart!
Now was the battle won, and down I fell, as a bird that is shot from the top of a
tree, into great guilt, and fearful despair. Thus getting out of my bed, I went moping
into the field; but God knows, with as heavy a heart as mortal man, I think, could
bear; where, for the space of two hours, I was like a man bereft of life, and as
now past all recovery, and bound over to eternal punishment.
And withal, that scripture did seize upon my soul, 'Or profane person, as Esau, who
for one morsel of meat, sold his birthright; for ye know, how that afterward, when
he would have inherited the blessing, he was rejected; for he found no place of repentance,
though he sought it carefully with tears' (Heb. 12.16,17).
Now was I as one bound, I felt myself shut up unto the judgment to come; nothing
now for two years together would abide with me, but damnation, and an expectation
of damnation; I say, nothing now would abide with me but this, save some few moments
for relief, as in the sequel you will see.
These words were to my soul like fetters of brass to my legs, in the continual sound
of which I went for several months together. But about ten or eleven o'clock one
day, as I was walking under a hedge, full of sorrow and guilt, God knows, and bemoaning
myself for this hard hap that such a thought should arise within me; suddenly this
sentence bolted in upon me, The blood of Christ remits all guilt. At this I made
a stand in my spirit; with that, this word took hold upon me, 'The blood of Jesus
Christ, his Son, cleanseth us from all sin' (1 John 1.7).
Now I began to conceive peace in my soul, and methought I saw as if the tempter did
leer and steal away from me, as being ashamed of what he had done. At the same time
also I had my sin, and the blood of Christ thus represented to me, that my sin, when
compared to the blood of Christ, was no more to it, than this little clot or stone
before me, is to this vast and wide field that here I see. This gave me good encouragement
for the space of two or three hours; in which time also, methought I saw, by faith,
the Son of God, as suffering for my sins; but because it tarried not, I therefore
sunk in my spirit, under exceeding guilt again.
But chiefly by the afore-mentioned scripture, concerning Esau's selling of his birthright;
for that scripture would lie all day long, all the week long, yea, all the year long
in my mind, and hold me down, so that I could by no means lift up myself; for when
I would strive to turn me to this scripture, or that, for relief, still that sentence
would be sounding in me, 'For ye know, how that afterward, when he would have inherited
the blessing_5he found no place of repentance, though he sought it carefully with
tears.'
Sometimes, also, I should have a touch from that in Luke 22.32, 'I have prayed for
thee, that thy faith fail not'; but it would not abide upon me; neither could I indeed,
when I considered my state, find ground to conceive in the least, that there should
be the root of that grace within me, having sinned as I had done. Now was I torn
and rent in heavy case, for many days together.
Then began I with sad and careful heart, to consider of the nature and largeness
of my sin, and to search in the Word of God, if I could in any place espy a word
of promise, or any encouraging sentence by which I might take relief. Wherefore I
began to consider that third of Mark, All manner of sins and blasphemies shall be
forgiven unto the sons of men, wherewith soever they shall blaspheme. Which place,
methought, at a blush, did contain a large and glorious promise, for the pardon of
high offences; but considering the place more fully, I thought it was rather to be
understood as relating more chiefly to those who had, while in a natural state, committed
such things as there are mentioned; but not to me, who had not only received light
and mercy, but that had, both after, and also contrary to that, so slighted Christ
as I had done.
I feared therefore that this wicked sin of mine might be that sin unpardonable, of
which he there thus speaketh, 'But he that shall blaspheme against the Holy Ghost
hath never forgiveness, but is in danger of eternal damnation' (Mark 3.29). And I
did the rather give credit to this, because of that sentence in the Hebrews, 'For
ye know, how that afterward, when he would have inherited the blessing, he was rejected;
for he found no place of repentance, though he sought it carefully with tears.' And
this stuck always with me.
And now was I both a burden and a terror to myself, nor did I ever so know, as now,
what it was to be weary of my life, and yet afraid to die. Oh, how gladly now would
I have been anybody but myself! Anything but a man! and in any condition but mine
own! for there was nothing did pass more frequently over my mind, than that it was
impossible for me to be forgiven my transgression, and to be saved from wrath to
come.
And now began I to labour to call again time that was past; wishing a thousand times
twice told, that the day was yet to come, when I should be tempted to such a sin;
concluding with great indignation, both against my heart, and all assaults, how I
would rather have been torn in pieces, than found a consenter thereto. But alas!
these thoughts, and wishings, and resolvings, were now too late to help me; the thought
had passed my heart, God hath let me go, and I am fallen. Oh! thought I, 'that it
was with me as in months past, as in the days when God preserved me!' (Job 29.2).
Then again, being loath and unwilling to perish, I began to compare my sin with others,
to see if I could find that any of those that were saved had done as I had done.
So I considered David's adultery and murder, and found them most heinous crimes;
and those too committed after light and grace received; but yet by considering, I
perceived that his transgressions were only such as were against the law of Moses;
from which the Lord Christ could, with the consent of His Word, deliver him; but
mine was against the gospel, yea, against the Mediator thereof; I had sold my Saviour.
Now again should I be as if racked upon the wheel, when I considered, that, besides
the guilt that possessed me, I should be so void of grace, so bewitched. What, thought
I, must it be no sin but this? Must it needs be the great transgression (Ps. 19.13)?
Must that wicked one touch my soul (1 John 5.18)? Oh, what stings did I find in all
these sentences!
What, thought I, is there but one sin that is unpardonable? But one sin that layeth
the soul without the reach of God's mercy; and must I be guilty of that? Must it
needs be that? Is there but one sin among so many millions of sins, for which there
is no forgiveness; and must I commit this? Oh, unhappy sin! Oh, unhappy man! These
things would so break and confound my spirit, that I could not tell what to do; I
thought, at times, they would have broke my wits; and still, to aggravate my misery,
that would run in my mind, 'Ye know how that afterward, when he would have inherited
the blessing, he was rejected.' Oh! none knows the terrors of those days but myself.
After this I came to consider of Peter's sin, which he committed in denying his Master;
and indeed, this came nighest to mine, of any that I could find; for he had denied
his Saviour, as I, and that after light and mercy received; yea, and that too, after
warning given him. I also considered, that he did it both once and twice; and that,
after time to consider betwixt. But though I put all these circumstances together,
that, if possible, I might find help, yet I considered again, that his was but a
denial of his Master, but mine was a selling of my Saviour. Wherefore I thought with
myself, that I came nearer to Judas, than either to David or Peter.
Here again my torment would flame out and afflict me; yea, it would grind me, as
it were, to powder, to discern the preservation of God towards others, while I fell
into the snare; for in my thus considering of other men's sins, and comparing of
them with my own, I could evidently see how God preserved them, notwithstanding their
wickedness, and would not let them, as he had let me, to become a son of perdition.
But oh, how did my soul, at this time, prize the preservation that God did set about
his people! Ah, how safely did I see them walk, whom God had hedged in! They were
within His care, protection, and special providence; though they were full as bad
as I by nature; yet because He loved them, He would not suffer them to fall without
the range of mercy; but as for me, I was gone, I had done it; He would not preserve
me, nor keep me; but suffered me, because I was a reprobate, to fall as I had done.
Now, did those blessed places, that spake of God's keeping His people, shine like
the sun before me, though not to comfort me, but to show me the blessed state and
heritage of those whom the Lord had blessed.
Now I saw, that as God had His hand in all providences and dispensation that overtook
His elect, so He had His hand in all the temptations that they had to sin against
Him, not to animate them unto wickedness, but to choose their temptations and troubles
for them; and also to leave them, for a time, to such sins only as might not destroy,
but humble them; as might not put them beyond, but lay them in the way of the renewing
of His mercy. But oh, what love, what care, what kindness and mercy did I now see,
mixing itself with the most severe and dreadful of all God's ways to His people!
He would let David, Hezekiah, Solomon, Peter, and others fall, but He would not let
them fall into sin unpardonable, nor into hell for sin. Oh! thought I, these be the
men that God hath loved; these be the men that God, though He chastiseth them, keeps
them in safety by Him, and them whom He makes to abide under the shadow of the Almighty.
But all these thoughts added sorrow, grief, and horror to me, as whatever I now thought
on, it was killing to me. If I thought how God kept His own, that was killing to
me. If I thought of how I was falling myself, that was killing to me. As all things
wrought together for the best, and to do good to them that were the called, according
to His purpose; so I thought that all things wrought for my damage, and for my eternal
overthrow.
Then, again, I began to compare my sin with the sin of Judas, that, if possible,
I might find that mine differed from that which, in truth, is unpardonable. And,
oh! thought I, if it should differ from it, though but the breadth of an hair, what
a happy condition is my soul in! And, by considering, I found that Judas did his
intentionally, but mine was against my prayer and strivings; besides, his was committed
with much deliberation, but mine in a fearful hurry, on a sudden; all this while
I was tossed to and fro, like the locusts, and driven from trouble to sorrow; hearing
always the sound of Esau's fall in mine ears, and of the dreadful consequences thereof.
Yet this consideration about Judas, his sin, was, for a while, some little relief
unto me; for I saw I had not, as to the circumstances, transgressed so foully as
he. But this was quickly gone again, for, I thought with myself, there might be more
ways than one to commit the unpardonable sin; also I thought that there might be
degrees of that, as well as of other transgressions; wherefore, for aught I yet could
perceive, this iniquity of mine might be such, as might never be passed by.
I was often now ashamed, that I should be like such an ugly man as Judas; I thought,
also, how loathsome I should be unto all the saints at the day of judgment; insomuch,
that now I could scarce see a good man, that I believed had a good conscience, but
I should feel my heart tremble at him, while I was in his presence. Oh! now I saw
a glory in walking with God, and what a mercy it was to have a good conscience before
Him.
I was much about this time tempted to content myself, by receiving some false opinion;
as that there should be no such thing as a day of judgment, that we should not rise
again, and that sin was no such grievous thing; the tempter suggesting thus, For
if these things should indeed be true, yet to believe otherwise, would yield you
ease for the present. If you must perish, never torment yourself so much beforehand;
drive the thoughts of damning out of your mind, by possessing your mind with some
such conclusions that Atheists and Ranters do use to help themselves withal.
But oh! when such thoughts have led through my heart, how, as it were, within a step,
hath death and judgment been in my view; methought the judge stood at the door, I
was as if it was come already; so that such things could have no entertainment. But,
methinks, I see by this, that Satan will use any means to keep the soul from Christ;
he loveth not an awakened frame of spirit; security, blindness, darkness, and error
is the very kingdom and habitation of the wicked one.
I found it hard work now to pray to God, because despair was swallowing me up; I
thought I was, as with a tempest, driven away from God, for always when I cried to
God for mercy, this would come in, It is too late, I am lost, God hath let me fall;
not to my correction, but condemnation; my sin is unpardonable; and I know, concerning
Esau, how that, after he had sold his birthright, he would have received the blessing,
but was rejected. About this time, I did light on that dreadful story of that miserable
mortal, Francis Spira; a book that was to my troubled spirit as salt, when rubbed
into a fresh wound; every sentence in that book, every groan of that man, with all
the rest of his actions in his dolours, as his tears, his prayers, his gnashing of
teeth, his wringing of hands, his twining and twisting, languishing and pining away
under that mighty hand of God that was upon him, was as knives and daggers in my
soul; especially that sentence of his was frightful to me, Man knows the beginning
of sin, but who bounds the issues thereof? Then would the former sentence, as the
conclusion of all, fall like a hot thunderbolt again upon my conscience; 'for you
know how that afterward, when he would have inherited the blessing, he was rejected;
for he found no place of repentance, though he sought it carefully with tears.'
Then was I struck into a very great trembling, insomuch that at sometimes I could,
for whole days together, feel my very body, as well as my mind, to shake and totter
under the sense of the dreadful judgment of God, that should fall on those that have
sinned that most fearful and unpardonable sin. I felt also such a clogging and heat
at my stomach, by reason of this my terror, that I was, especially at some times,
as if my breast bone would have split in sunder; then I thought of that concerning
Judas, who, by his falling headlong, burst asunder, and all his bowels gushed out
(Acts 1:18).
I feared also that this was the mark that the Lord did set on Cain, even continued
fear and trembling, under the heavy load of guilt that he had charged on him for
the blood of his brother Abel. Thus did I wind, and twine, and shrink, under the
burden that was upon me; which burden also did so oppress me, that I could neither
stand, nor go, nor lie, either at rest or quiet.
Yet that saying would sometimes come to my mind, He hath received gifts for the rebellious
(Ps. 68.18). 'The rebellious,' thought I; why, surely they are such as once were
under subjection to their prince, even those who, after they have sworn subjection
to his government, have taken up arms against him; and this, thought I, is my very
condition; once I loved Him, feared Him, served Him; but now I am a rebel; I have
sold Him, I have said, Let Him go if He will; but yet He has gifts for rebels, and
then why not for me?
This sometimes I thought on, and should labour to take hold thereof, that some, though
small, refreshment might have been conceived by me; but in this also I missed of
my desire, I was driven with force beyond it, I was like a man that is going to the
place of execution, even by that place where he would fain creep in and hide himself,
but may not.
Again, after I had thus considered the sins of the saints in particular, and found
mine went beyond them, then I began to think thus with myself: Set the case I should
put all theirs together, and mine alone against them, might I not then find some
encouragement? For if mine, though bigger than any one, yet should but be equal to
all, then there is hopes; for that blood that hath virtue enough in it to wash away
all theirs, hath also virtue enough in it to do away mine, though this one be full
as big, if no bigger, than all theirs. Here, again, I should consider the sin of
David, of Solomon, of Manasseh, of Peter, and the rest of the great offenders; and
should also labour, what I might with fairness, to aggravate and heighten their sins
by several circumstances: but, alas! it was all in vain.
I should think with myself that David shed blood to cover his adultery, and that
by the sword of the children of Ammon; a work that could not be done but by continuance
and deliberate contrivance, which was a great aggravation to his sin. But then this
would turn upon me: Ah! but these were but sins against the law, from which there
was a Jesus sent to save them; but yours is a sin against the Saviour, and who shall
save you from that?
Then I thought on Solomon, and how he sinned in loving strange women, in falling
away to their idols, in building them temples, in doing this after light, in his
old age, after great mercy received; but the same conclusion that cut me off in the
former consideration, cut me off as to this; namely, that all those were but sins
against the law, for which God had provided a remedy; but I had sold my Saviour,
and there now remained no more sacrifice for sin.
I would then add to those men's sins, the sins of Manasseh, how that he built altars
for idols in the house of the Lord; he also observed times, used enchantments, had
to do with wizards, was a wizard, had his familiar spirits, burned his children in
the fire in sacrifice to devils, and made the streets of Jerusalem run down with
the blood of innocents. These, I thought, are great sins, sins of a bloody colour;
yea, it would turn again upon me: They are none of them of the nature of yours; you
have parted with Jesus, you have sold your Saviour.
This one consideration would always kill my heart, My sin was point-blank against
my Saviour; and that too, at that height, that I had in my heart said of Him, Let
Him go if He will. Oh! methought, this sin was bigger than the sins of a country,
of a kingdom, or of the whole world, no one pardonable, nor all of them together,
was able to equal mine; mine outwent them every one.
Now I should find my mind to flee from God, as from the face of a dreadful judge;
yet this was my torment, I could not escape His hand: 'It is a fearful thing to fall
into the hands of the living God' (Heb. 10.31). But blessed be His grace, that scripture,
in these flying sins, would call as running after me, 'I have blotted out, as a thick
cloud, thy transgressions; and, as a cloud, thy sins: return unto me, for I have
redeemed thee' (Isa. 44.22). This, I say, would come in upon my mind, when I was
fleeing from the face of God; for I did flee from His face, that is, my mind and
spirit fled before Him; by reason of His highness, I could not endure; then would
the text cry, 'Return unto me, for I have redeemed thee.' Indeed, this would make
me make a little stop, and, as it were, look over my shoulder behind me, to see if
I could discern that the God of grace did follow me with a pardon in His hand, but
I could no sooner do that, but all would be clouded and darkened again by that sentence,
'For you know how that afterward, when he would have inherited the blessing, he found
no place of repentance, though he sought it carefully with tears.' Wherefore I could
not return, but fled, though at sometimes it cried 'Return, return', as if it did
holloa after me. But I feared to close in therewith, lest it should not come from
God; for that other, as I said was still sounding in my conscience, 'For you know
how that afterward, when he would have inherited the blessing, he was rejected',
etc.
Once as I was walking to and fro in a good man's shop, bemoaning of myself in my
sad and doleful state, afflicting myself with self- abhorrence for this wicked and
ungodly thought; lamenting, also, this hard hap of mine, for that I should commit
so great a sin; greatly fearing I would not be pardoned; praying, also, in my heart,
that if this sin of mine did differ from that against the Holy Ghost, the Lord would
show it me. And being now ready to sink with fear, suddenly there was, as if there
had rushed in at the window, the noise of wind upon me, but very pleasant, and as
if I heard a voice speaking, Didst ever refuse to be justified by the blood of Christ?
And withal my whole life and profession past was, in a moment, opened to me, wherein
I was made to see that designedly I had not; so my heart answered groaningly, No.
Then fell, with power, that word of God upon me, 'See that ye refuse not him that
speaketh'(Heb. 12.25). This made a strange seizure upon my spirit; it brought light
with it, and commanded a silence in my heart of all those tumultuous thoughts that
before did use, like masterless hell- hounds, to roar and bellow, and make a hideous
noise within me. It showed me, also, that Jesus Christ had yet a word of grace and
mercy for me, that He had not, as I had feared, quite forsaken and cast off my soul;
yea, this was a kind of chide for my proneness to desperation; a kind of a threatening
me if I did not, notwithstanding my sins and the heinousness of them, venture my
salvation upon the Son of God. But as to my determining about this strange dispensation,
what it was I knew not; from whence it came I knew not. I have not yet, in twenty
years' time, been able to make a judgment of it; I thought then what here I shall
be loath to speak. But verily, that sudden rushing wind was as if an angel had come
upon me; but both it and the salvation I will leave until the day of judgment; only
this I say, it commanded a great calm in my soul, it persuaded me there might be
hope; it showed me, as I thought, what the sin unpardonable was, and that my soul
had yet the blessed privilege to flee to Jesus for mercy. But, I say, concerning
this dispensation, I know not what yet to say unto it; which was, also, in truth,
the cause that, at first, I did not speak of it in the book; I do now, also, leave
it to be thought on by men of sound judgment. I lay not the stress of my salvation
thereupon, but upon the Lord Jesus, in the promise; yet, seeing I am here unfolding
of my secret things, I thought it might not be altogether inexpedient to let this
also show itself, though I cannot now relate the matter as there I did experience
it. This lasted, in the savour of it, for about three or four days, and then I began
to mistrust and to despair again.
Wherefore, still my life hung in doubt before me, not knowing which way I should
tip; only this I found my soul desire, even to cast itself at the foot of grace,
by prayer and supplication. But, oh! it was hard for me now to bear the face to pray
to this Christ for mercy, against whom I had thus most vilely sinned; it was hard
work, I say, to offer to look Him in the face against whom I had so vilely sinned;
and, indeed, I have found it as difficult to come to God by prayer, after backsliding
from Him, as to do any other thing. Oh, the shame that did now attend me! especially
when I thought I am now a-going to pray to Him for mercy that I had so lightly esteemed
but a while before! I was ashamed, yea, even confounded, because this villainy had
been committed by me; but I saw there was but one way with me, I must go to Him and
humble myself unto Him, and beg that He, of His wonderful mercy, would show pity
to me, and have mercy upon my wretched sinful soul.
Which, when the tempter perceived, he strongly suggested to me, That I ought not
to pray to God; for prayer was not for any in my case, neither could it do me good,
because I had rejected the Mediator, by whom all prayer came with acceptance to God
the Father, and without whom no prayer could come into His presence. Wherefore, now
to pray is but to add sin to sin; yea, now to pray, seeing God has cast you off,
is the next way to anger and offend Him more than you ever did before.
For God, saith he, hath been weary of you for these several years already, because
you are none of His; your bawlings in His ears hath been no pleasant voice to Him;
and, therefore, He let you sin this sin, that you might be quite cut off; and will
you pray still? This the devil urged, and set forth that, in Numbers, when Moses
said to the children of Israel, That because they would not go up to possess the
land when God would have them, therefore, for ever after, God did bar them out from
thence, though they prayed they might, with tears (Num. 14.36, 37, etc.).
As it is said in another place (Exod. 21.14), the man that sins presumptuously shall
be taken from God's altar, that he may die; even as Joab was by King Solomon, when
he thought to find shelter there (1 Kings 2.28, etc.). These places did pinch me
very sore; yet, my case being desperate, I thought with myself I can but die; and
if it must be so, it shall once be said, that such an one died at the foot of Christ
in prayer. This I did, but with great difficulty, God doth know; and that because,
together with this, still that saying about Esau would be set at my heart, even like
a flaming sword, to keep the way of the tree of life, lest I should taste thereof
and live. Oh! who knows how hard a thing I found it to come to God in prayer.
I did also desire the prayers of the people of God for me, but I feared that God
would give them no heart to do it; yea, I trembled in my soul to think that some
or other of them would shortly tell me, that God had said those words to them that
He once did say to the prophet concerning the children of Israel, 'Pray thou not
for this people,' for I have rejected them (Jer. 11.14). So, pray not for him, for
I have rejected him. Yea, I thought that He had whispered this to some of them already,
only they durst not tell me so, neither durst I ask them of it, for fear, if it should
be so, it would make me quite beside myself. Man knows the beginning of sin, said
Spira, but who bounds the issues thereof?
About this time I took an opportunity to break my mind to an ancient Christian, and
told him all my case; I told him, also, that I was afraid that I had sinned the sin
against the Holy Ghost; and he told me he thought so too. Here, therefore, I had
but cold comfort; but, talking a little more with him, I found him, though a good
man, a stranger to much combat with the devil. Wherefore, I went to God again, as
well as I could, for mercy still.
Now, also, did the tempter begin to mock me in my misery, saying, that, seeing I
had thus parted with the Lord Jesus, and provoked Him to displeasure, who would have
stood between my soul and the flame of devouring fire, there was now but one way,
and that was, to pray that God the Father would be the Mediator betwixt His Son and
me, that we might be reconciled again, and that I might have that blessed benefit
in Him that His blessed saints enjoyed.
Then did that scripture seize upon my soul, He is of one mind, and who can turn Him?
Oh! I saw it was as easy to persuade Him to make a new world, a new covenant, or
new Bible, besides that we have already, as to pray for such a thing. This was to
persuade Him that what He had done already was mere folly, and persuade with Him
to alter, yea, to disannul, the whole way of salvation; and then would that saying
rend my soul asunder, 'Neither is there salvation in any other: for there is none
other name under heaven, given among men, whereby we must be saved' (Acts 4.12).
Now the most free, and full, and gracious words of the gospel were the greatest torment
to me; yea, nothing so afflicted me as the thoughts of Jesus Christ, the remembrance
of a Saviour; because I had cast Him off, brought forth the villainy of my sin, and
my loss by it to mind; nothing did twinge my conscience like this. Every time that
I thought of the Lord Jesus, of His grace, love, goodness, kindness, gentleness,
meekness, death, blood, promises and blessed exhortations, comforts and consolations,
it went to my soul like a sword; for still, unto these my considerations of the Lord
Jesus, these thoughts would make place for themselves in my heart; aye, this is the
Jesus, the loving Saviour, the Son of God, whom thou hast parted with, whom you slighted,
despised, and abused. This is the only Saviour, the only Redeemer, the only one that
could so love sinners as to wash them from their sins in His own most precious blood;
but you have no part nor lot in this Jesus, you have put Him away from you, you have
said in your heart, Let Him go if He will. Now, therefore, you are severed from Him;
you have severed yourself from Him. Behold, then, His goodness, but you yourself
be no partaker of it. Oh, thought I, what have I lost! What have I parted with! What
have I disinherited my poor soul of! Oh! it is sad to be destroyed by the grace and
mercy of God; to have the Lamb, the Saviour, turn lion and destroyer (Rev. 6). I
also trembled, as I have said, at the sight of the saints of God, especially at those
that greatly loved Him, and that made it their business to walk continually with
Him in this world; for they did, both in their words, their carriages, and all their
expressions of tenderness and fear to sin against their precious Saviour, condemn,
lay guilt upon, and also add continual affliction and shame unto my soul. The dread
of them was upon me, and I trembled at God's Samuels (1 Sam. 16.4).
Now, also, the tempter began afresh to mock my soul another way, saying that Christ,
indeed, did pity my case, and was sorry for my loss; but forasmuch as I had sinned
and transgressed, as I had done, He could by no means help me, nor save me from what
I feared; for my sin was not of the nature of theirs for whom He bled and died, neither
was it counted with those that were laid to His charge when He hanged on the tree.
Therefore, unless He should come down from heaven and die anew for this sin, though,
indeed, He did greatly pity me, yet I could have no benefit of Him. These things
may seem ridiculous to others, even as ridiculous as they were in themselves, but
to me they were most tormenting cogitations; every of them augmented my misery, that
Jesus Christ should have so much love as to pity me when He could not help me; nor
did I think that the reason why He could not help me was because His merits were
weak, or His grace and salvation spent on them already, but because His faithfulness
to His threatening would not let Him extend His mercy to me. Besides, I thought,
as I have already hinted, that my sin was not within the bounds of that pardon that
was wrapped up in a promise; and if not, then I knew assuredly, that it was more
easy for heaven and earth to pass away than for me to have eternal life. So that
the ground of all these fears of mine did arise from a steadfast belief that I had
of the stability of the holy Word of God, and, also, from my being misinformed of
the nature of my sin.
But oh! how this would add to my affliction, to conceit that I should be guilty of
such a sin for which He did not die. These thoughts would so confound me, and imprison
me, and tie me up from faith, that I knew not what to do; but, oh! I thought, that
He would come down again! Oh! that the work of man's redemption was yet to be done
by Christ! How would I pray Him and entreat Him to count and reckon this sin amongst
the rest for which He died! But this scripture would strike me down as dead, 'Christ
being raised from the dead dieth no more; death hath no more dominion over him' (Rom.
6.9).
Thus, by the strange and unusual assaults of the tempter, was my soul, like a broken
vessel, driven as with the winds, and tossed sometimes headlong into despair, sometimes
upon the covenant of works, and sometimes to wish that the new covenant, and the
conditions thereof, might, so far forth as I thought myself concerned, be turned
another way and changed. But in all these I was but as those that justle against
the rocks; more broken, scattered, and rent. Oh, the unthought of imaginations, frights,
fears, and terrors that are affected by a thorough application of guilt, yielded
to desperation! this is the man that hath 'his dwelling among the tombs' with the
dead; that is, always crying out and 'cutting himself with stones' (Mark 5. 2-5).
But I say, all in vain; desperation will not comfort him, the old covenant will not
save him; nay, heaven and earth shall pass away before one jot or tittle of the Word
and law of grace shall fall or be removed. This I saw, this I felt, and under this
I groaned; yet this advantage I got thereby, namely, a further confirmation of the
certainty of the way of salvation, and that the Scriptures were the Word of God!
Oh! I cannot now express what then I saw and felt of the steadiness of Jesus Christ,
the rock of man's salvation; what was done could not be undone, added to, nor altered.
I saw, indeed, that sin might drive the soul beyond Christ, even the sin which is
unpardonable; but woe to him that was so driven, for the Word would shut him out.
Thus was I always sinking, whatever I did think or do. So one day I walked to a neighbouring
town, and sat down upon a settle in the street, and fell into a very deep pause about
the most fearful state my sin had brought me to; and, after long musing, I lifted
up my head, but methought I saw as if the sun that shineth in the heavens did grudge
to give light, and as if the very stones in the street, and tiles upon the houses,
did bend themselves against me; methought that they all combined together to banish
me out of the world; I was abhorred of them, and unfit to dwell among them, or be
partaker of their benefits, because I had sinned against the Saviour. O how happy,
now, was every creature over what I was; for they stood fast and kept their station,
but I was gone and lost.
Then breaking out in the bitterness of my soul, I said to myself, with a grievous
sigh, How can God comfort such a wretch as I? I had no sooner said it but this returned
upon me, as an echo doth answer a voice, This sin is not unto death. At which I was
as if I had been raised out of a grave, and cried out again, Lord, how couldest Thou
find out such a word as this? for I was filled with admiration at the fitness, and,
also, at the unexpectedness of the sentence, the fitness of the word, the rightness
of the timing of it, the power, and sweetness, and light, and glory that came with
it, was marvellous to me to find. I was now, for the time, out of doubt as to that
about which I so much was in doubt before; my fears before were, that my sin was
not pardonable, and so that I had no right to pray, to repent, etc., or that if I
did, it would be of no advantage or profit to me. But now, thought I, if this sin
is not unto death, then it is pardonable; therefore, from this I have encouragement
to come to God, by Christ, for mercy, to consider the promise of forgiveness as that
which stands with open arms to receive me, as well as others. This, therefore, was
a great easement to my mind; to wit, that my sin was pardonable, that it was not
the sin unto death (1 John 5.16, 17). None but those that know what my trouble, by
their own experience, was, can tell what relief came to my soul by this consideration;
it was a release to me from my former bonds, and a shelter from my former storm.
I seemed now to stand upon the same ground with other sinners, and to have as good
right to the word and prayer as any of them.
Now, I say, I was in hopes that my sin was not unpardonable, but that there might
be hopes for me to obtain forgiveness. But oh, how Satan did now lay about him for
to bring me down again! But he could by no means do it, neither this day nor the
most part of the next, for this sentence stood like a mill-post at my back; yet,
towards the evening of the next day, I felt this word begin to leave me and to withdraw
its supportation from me, and so I returned to my old fears again, but with a great
deal of grudging and peevishness, for I feared the sorrow of despair; nor could my
faith now longer retain this word.
But the next day, at evening, being under many fears, I went to seek the Lord; and
as I prayed, I cried, and my soul cried to Him in these words, with strong cries:
O Lord, I beseech thee, show me that thou hast loved me with everlasting love (Jer.
31.3). I had no sooner said it but, with sweetness, this returned upon me, as an
echo or sounding again, 'I have loved thee with an everlasting love.' Now I went
to bed at quiet; also, when I awaked the next morning, it was fresh upon my soul-and
I believed it.
But yet the tempter left me not; for it could not be so little as an hundred times
that he that day did labour to break my peace. Oh! the combats and conflicts that
I did then meet with as I strove to hold by this word; that of Esau would fly in
my face like to lightning. I should be sometimes up and down twenty times in an hour,
yet God did bear me up and keep my heart upon this world, from which I had also,
for several days together, very much sweetness and comfortable hopes of pardon; for
thus it was made out to me, I loved thee whilst thou wast committing this sin, I
loved thee before, I love thee still, and I will love thee for ever.
Yet I saw my sin most barbarous, and a filthy crime, and could not but conclude,
and that with great shame and astonishment, that I had horribly abused the holy Son
of God; wherefore, I felt my soul greatly to love and pity Him, and my bowels to
yearn towards Him; for I saw He was still my Friend, and did reward me good for evil;
yea, the love and affection that then did burn within to my Lord and Saviour Jesus
Christ did work, at this time, such a strong and hot desire of revengement upon myself
for the abuse I had done unto him, that, to speak as I then thought, had I a thousand
gallons of blood within my veins, I could freely then have spilt it all at the command
and feet of this my Lord and Saviour.
And as I was thus in musing and in my studies, considering how to love the Lord and
to express my love to Him, that saying came in upon me, 'If thou, Lord, shouldest
mark iniquities, 0 Lord, who shall stand? But there is forgiveness with thee, that
thou mayest be feared' (Ps. 130.3, 4). These were good words to me, especially the
latter part thereof; to wit, that there is forgiveness with the Lord, that He might
be feared; that is, as then I understood it, that He might be loved and had in reverence;
for it was thus made out to me, that the great God did set so high an esteem upon
the love of His poor creatures, that rather than He would go without their love He
would pardon their transgressions.
And now was that word fulfilled on me, and I was also refreshed by it, Then shall
they be ashamed and confounded, 'and never open their mouth any more because of their
shame, when I am pacified towards them for all that they have done, saith the Lord
God' (Ezek. 16.63). Thus was my soul at this time, and, as I then did think, for
ever, set at liberty from being again afflicted with my former guilt and amazement.
But before many weeks were over I began to despond again, fearing lest, notwithstanding
all that I had enjoyed, that yet I might be deceived and destroyed at the last; for
this consideration came strong into my mind, that whatever comfort and peace I thought
I might have from the word of the promise of life, yet unless there could be found
in my refreshment a concurrence and agreement in the Scriptures, let me think what
I will thereof, and hold it never so fast, I should find no such thing at the end;
'for the Scripture cannot be broken' (John 10.35).
Now began my heart again to ache and fear I might meet with disappointment at the
last, wherefore I began, with all seriousness, to examine my former comfort, and
to consider whether one that had sinned as I have done, might with confidence trust
upon the faithfulness of God, laid down in those words by which I had been comforted
and on which I had leaned myself. But now were brought those sayings to my mind,
'For it is impossible for those who were once enlightened, and have tasted of the
heavenly gift, and were made partakers of the Holy Ghost, and have tasted the good
word of God, and the powers of the world to come, if they shall fall away, to renew
them again unto repentance' (Heb. 6.4-6). 'For if we sin wilfully after that we have
received the knowledge of the truth, there remaineth no more sacrifice for sins,
but a certain fearful looking for of judgment and fiery indignation, which shall
devour the adversaries' (Heb. 10.26, 27). Even 'as Esau, who for one morsel of meat
sold his birthright; for ye know how that afterward, when he would have inherited
the blessing, he was rejected; for he found no place of repentance, though he sought
it carefully with tears' (Heb. 12.16, 17) .
Now was the word of the gospel forced from my soul, so that no promise or encouragement
was to be found in the Bible for me; and now would that saying work upon my spirit
to afflict me, 'Rejoice not, O Israel, for joy as other people' (Hos. 9.1). For I
saw indeed there was cause of rejoicing for those that held to Jesus; but as for
me, I had cut myself off by my transgressions, and left myself neither foot-hold,
nor hand-hold, amongst all the stays and props in the precious word of life.
And truly I did now feel myself to sink into a gulf, as an house whose foundation
is destroyed; I did liken myself, in this condition, unto the case of a child that
was fallen into a mill-pit, who, though it could make some shift to scrabble and
spraul in the water, yet because it could find neither hold for hand nor foot, therefore
at last it must die in that condition. So soon as this fresh assault had fastened
on my soul, that scripture came into my heart, 'This is for many days' (Dan. 10.14).
And indeed I found it was so; for I could not be delivered, nor brought to peace
again, until well-nigh two years and an half were completely finished. Wherefore
these words, though in themselves they tended to discouragement, yet to me, who feared
this condition would be eternal, they were at sometimes as an help and refreshment
to me.
For, thought I, many days are not for ever, many days will have an end, therefore
seeing I was to be afflicted, not a few, but many days, yet I was glad it was but
for many days. Thus, I say, I could recall myself sometimes, and give myself a help,
for as soon as ever the words came into my mind at first, I knew my trouble would
be long; yet this would be but sometimes, for I could not always think on this, nor
ever be helped by it, though I did.
Now while these scriptures lay before me, and laid sin anew at my door, that saying
in the eighteeneth of Luke, with others, did encourage me to prayer. Then the tempter
again laid at me very sore, suggesting, That neither the mercy of God, nor yet the
blood of Christ, did at all concern me, nor could they help me for my sin; therefore
it was in vain to pray. Yet, thought I, I will pray. But, said the tempter, your
sin is unpardonable. Well, said I, I will pray. It is to no boot, said he. Yet, said
I, I will pray. So I went to prayer to God; and while I was at prayer, I uttered
words to this effect, Lord, Satan tells me that neither Thy mercy, nor Christ's blood,
is sufficient to save my soul; Lord, shall I honour Thee most, by believing Thou
wilt and canst? or him, by believing Thou neither wilt nor canst? Lord, I would fain
honour Thee, by believing Thou wilt and canst.
And as I was thus before the Lord, that scripture fastened on my heart, 'O woman,
great is thy faith' (Matt. 15.28), even as if one had clapped me on the back, as
I was on my knees before God. Yet I was not able to believe this, that this was a
prayer of faith, till almost six months after; for I could not think that I had faith,
or that there should be a word for me to act faith on; therefore I should still be
as sticking in the jaws of desperation, and went mourning up and down in a sad condition,
crying, Is His mercy clean gone? Is His mercy clean gone for ever? And I thought
sometimes, even when I was groaning in these expressions, they did seem to make a
question whether it was or no; yet I greatly feared it was.
There was nothing now that I longed for more than to be put out of doubt, as to this
thing in question; and, as I was vehemently desiring to know if there was indeed
hopes for me, these words came rolling into my mind, 'Will the Lord cast off for
ever? and will he be favourable no more? Is his mercy clean gone for ever? Doth his
promise fail for evermore? Hath God forgotten to be gracious? Hath he in anger shut
up his tender mercies?' (Ps. 77.7-9). And all the while they run in my mind, methought
I had this still as the answer, It is a question whether He had or no; it may be
He hath not. Yea, the interrogatory seemed to me to carry in it a sure affirmation
that indeed He had not, nor would so cast off, but would be favourable; that His
promise doth not fail, and that He had not forgotten to be gracious, nor would in
anger shut up His tender mercy. Something, also, there was upon my heart at the same
time, which I now cannot call to mind; which, with this text, did sweeten my heart,
and made me conclude that His mercy might not be quite gone, nor clean gone for ever.
At another time, I remember I was again much under the question, Whether the blood
of Christ was sufficient to save my soul? In which doubt I continued from morning
till about seven or eight at night: and at last, when I was, as it were, quite worn
out with fear, lest it should not lay hold on me, these words did sound suddenly
within my heart, He is able. But methought this word scaps able was spoke so loud
unto me; it showed such a great word, it seemed to be writ in great letters, and
gave such a justle to my fear and doubt; I mean for the time it tarried with me,
which was about a day, as I never had from that all my life, either before or after
that (Heb. 7.25).
But one morning, when I was again at prayer, and trembling under the fear of this,
that no word of God could help me, that piece of a sentence darted in upon me, 'My
grace is sufficient.' At this methought I felt some stay, as if there might be hopes.
But, oh, how good a thing it is for God to send His word! For about a fortnight before
I was looking on this very place, and then I thought it could not come near my soul
with comfort, therefore I threw down my book in a pet. Then I thought it was not
large enough for me; no, not large enough; but now, it was as if it had arms of grace
so wide that it could not only enclose me, but many more besides.
By these words I was sustained, yet not without exceeding conflicts, for the space
of seven or eight weeks; for my peace would be in and out, sometimes twenty times
a day; comfort now, and trouble presently; peace now, and before I could go a furlong
as full of fear and guilt as ever heart could hold; and this was not only now and
then, but my whole seven weeks' experience; for this about the sufficiency of grace,
and that of Esau's parting with his birthright, would be like a pair of scales within
my mind, sometimes one end would be uppermost, and sometimes again the other; according
to which would be my peace or trouble.
Therefore I still did pray to God, that He would come in with this scripture more
fully on my heart; to wit, that He would help me to apply the whole sentence, for
as yet I could not: that He gave, I gathered; but farther I could not go, for as
yet it only helped me to hope there might be mercy for me, 'My grace is sufficient';
and though it came no farther, it answered my former question; to wit, that there
was hope; yet, because 'for thee' was left out, I was not contented, but prayed to
God for that also. Wherefore, one day, as I was in a meeting of God's people, full
of sadness and terror, for my fears again were strong upon me; and as I was now thinking
my soul was never the better; but my case most sad and fearful, these words did,
with great power, suddenly break in upon me, 'My grace is sufficient for thee, my
grace is sufficient for thee, my grace is sufficient for thee,' three times together;
and, oh! methought that every word was a mighty word unto me; as my, and grace, and
sufficient, and for thee; they were then, and sometimes are still, far bigger than
others be.
At which time my understanding was so enlightened, that I was as though I had seen
the Lord Jesus look down from heaven through the tiles upon me, and direct these
words unto me. This sent me mourning home, it broke my heart, and filled me full
of joy, and laid me low as the dust; only it stayed not long with me, I mean in this
glory and refreshing comfort, yet it continued with me for several weeks, and did
encourage me to hope. But so soon as that powerful operation of it was taken off
my heart, that other about Esau returned upon me as before; so my soul did hang as
in a pair of scales again, sometimes up and sometimes down, now in peace, and anon
again in terror.
Thus I went on for many weeks, sometimes comforted, and sometimes tormented; and,
especially at some times, my torment would be very sore, for all those scriptures
forenamed in the Hebrews, would be set before me, as the only sentences that would
keep me out of heaven. Then, again, I should begin to repent that ever that thought
went through me, I should also think thus with myself, Why, how many scriptures are
there against me? There are but three or four: and cannot God miss them, and save
me for all of them? Sometimes, again, I should think, Oh! if it were not for these
three or four words, now how I might be comforted? And I could hardly forbear, at
some times, but to wish them out of the book.
Then methought I should see as if both Peter, and Paul, and John, and all the writers,
did look with scorn upon me, and hold me in derision; and as if they said unto me,
All our words are truth, one of as much force as another. It is not we that have
cut you off, but you have cast away yourself; there is none of our sentences that
you must take hold upon but these, and such as these: 'It is impossible; there remains
no more sacrifice for sin' (Heb. 6). And 'it had been better for them not to have
known' the will of God, 'than, after they have known it, to turn from the holy commandment
delivered unto them' (II Pet. 2.21). 'For the Scriptures cannot be broken.'
These, as the elders of the city of refuge, I saw were to be the judges both of my
case and me, while I stood, with the avenger of blood at my heels, trembling at their
gate for deliverance, also with a thousand fears and mistrusts, I doubted that they
would shut me out for ever (Josh. 20.3, 4).
Thus was I confounded, not knowing what to do, nor how to be satisfied in this question,
Whether the scriptures could agree in the salvation of my soul? I quaked at the apostles,
I knew their words were true, and that they must stand for ever.
And I remember one day, as I was in diverse frames of spirit, and considering that
these frames were still according to the nature of the several scriptures that came
in upon my mind; if this of grace, then was I quiet; but if that of Esau, then tormented;
Lord, thought I, if both these scriptures would meet in my heart at once, I would
which of them would get the better of me. So methought I had a longing mind that
they might come both together upon me; yea, I desired of God they might.
Well, about two or three days after, so they did indeed; they bolted both upon me
at a time, and did work and struggle strangely in me for a while; at last, that about
Esau's birthright began to wax weak, and withdraw, and vanish and this about the
sufficiency of grace prevailed with peace and joy. And as I was in a muse about this
thing, that scripture came home upon me, 'Mercy rejoiceth against judgment' (Jas.
2.13).
This was a wonderment to me; yet truly I am apt to think it was of God; for the word
of the law and wrath must give place to the word of life and grace; because, though
the word of condemnation be glorious, yet the word of life and salvation doth far
exceed in glory (II Cor. 3.8-12; Mark 9.5-7). Also, that Moses and Elias must both
vanish, and leave Christ and His saints alone.
This scripture did also most sweetly visit my soul, 'And him that cometh to me I
will in no wise cast out' (John 6.37). Oh, the comfort that I have had from this
word, 'in no wise'! as who should say, by no means, for no thing, whatever he hath
done. But Satan would greatly labour to pull this promise from me, telling of me
that Christ did not mean me, and such as I, but sinners of a lower rank, that had
not done as I had done. But I should answer him again, Satan, here is in this word
no such exception; but 'him that comes', scaps him, any him; 'him that cometh to
me I will in no wise cast out.' And this I well remember still, that of all the sleights
that Satan used to take this scripture from me, yet he never did so much as put this
question, But do you come aright? And I have thought the reason was, because he thought
I knew full well what coming aright was; for I saw that to come aright was to come
as I was, a vile and ungodly sinner, and to cast myself at the feet of mercy, condemning
myself for sin. If ever Satan and I did strive for any word of God in all my life,
it was for this good word of Christ; he at one end and I at the other. Oh, what work
did we make! It was for this in John, I say, that we did so tug and strive; he pulled
and I pulled; but, God be praised, I got the better of him, I got some sweetness
from it.
But notwithstanding all these helps and blessed words of grace, yet that of Esau's
selling of his birthright would still at times distress my conscience; for though
I had been most sweetly comforted, and that but just before, yet when that came into
my mind, it would make me fear again, I could not be quite rid thereof, it would
every day be with me: wherefore now I went another way to work, even to consider
the nature of this blasphemous thought; I mean, if I should take the words at the
largest, and give them their own natural force and scope, even every word therein.
So when I had thus considered, I found, that if they were fairly taken, they would
amount to this, that I had freely left the Lord Jesus Christ to His choice, whether
He would be my Saviour or no; for the wicked words were these, Let Him go if He will.
Then that scripture gave me hope, 'I will never leave thee nor forsake thee' (Heb.
13.5). O Lord, said I, but I have left Thee. Then it answered again, 'But I will
not leave thee.' For this I thank God also.
Yet I was grievously afraid He should, and found it exceedingly hard to trust Him,
seeing I had so offended Him. I could have been exceeding glad that this thought
had never befallen, for then I thought I could, with more ease and freedom in abundance,
have leaned upon His grace. I see it was with me, as it was with Joseph's brethren;
the guilt of their own wickedness did often fill them with fears that their brother
would at last despise them (Gen. 50.15-17).
But above all the scriptures that I yet did meet with, that in the twentieth of Joshua
was the greatest comfort to me, which speaks of the slayer that was to flee for refuge.
And if the avenger of blood pursue the slayer, then, saith Moses, they that are the
elders of the city of refuge shall not deliver him into his hand, because he smote
his neighbour unwittingly, and hated him not aforetime. Oh, blessed be God for this
word; I was convinced that I was the slayer; and that the avenger of blood pursued
me, that I felt with great terror; only now it remained that I inquire whether I
have right to enter the city of refuge. So I found that he must not, who lay in wait
to shed blood: it was not the wilful murderer, but he who unwittingly did it, he
who did unawares shed blood; not of spite, or grudge, or malice, he that shed it
unwittingly, even he who did not hate his neighbour before. Wherefore:
I thought verily I was the man that must enter, because I had smitten my neighbour
unwittingly, and hated him not aforetime. I hated Him not aforetime; no, I prayed
unto Him, was tender of sinning against Him; yea, and against this wicked temptation
I had strove for a twelvemonth before; yea, and also when it did pass through my
heart, it did in spite of my teeth: wherefore I thought I had right to enter this
city, and the elders, which are the apostles, were not to deliver me up. This, therefore,
was great comfort to me; and did give me much ground of hope.
Yet being very critical, for my smart had made me that I knew not what ground was
sure enough to bear me, I had one question that my soul did much desire to be resolved
about; and that was, Whether it be possible for any soul that hath indeed sinned
the unpardonable sin, yet after that to receive though but the least true spiritual
comfort from God through Christ? The which, after I had much considered, I found
the answer was, No, they could not, and that for these reasons:
First, Because those that have sinned that sin, they are debarred a share in the
blood of Christ, and being shut out of that, they must needs be void of the least
ground of hope. and so of spiritual comfort; for to such 'there remaineth no more
sacrifice for sins' (Heb 10.26). Secondly, Because they are denied a share in the
promise of life; they shall never be forgiven, 'neither in this world, neither in
that which is to come' (Matt. 12.32). Thirdly, The Son of God excludes them also
from a share in His blessed intercession, being for ever ashamed to own them both
before His holy Father, and the blessed angels in heaven (Mark 8.38).
When I had, with much deliberation, considered of this matter, and could not but
conclude that the Lord had comforted me, and that too after this my wicked sin; then,
methought, I durst venture to come nigh into those most fearful and terrible scriptures,
with which all this while I had been so greatly affrighted, and on which, indeed,
before I durst scarce cast mine eye, yea, had much ado an hundred times to forbear
wishing them out of the Bible; for I thought they would destroy me; but now, I say,
I began to take some measure of encouragement to come close to them, to read them,
and consider them, and to weigh their scope and tendency.
The which, when I began to do, I found their visage changed; for they looked not
so grimly on me as before I thought they did. And, first, I came to the sixth of
the Hebrews, yet trembling for fear it should strike me; which when I had considered,
I found that the falling there intended was a falling quite away; that is, as I conceived,
a falling from, and an absolute denial of the gospel of remission of sins by Christ;
for from them the apostle begins his argument (ver. 1-3). Secondly, I found that
this falling away must be openly, even in the view of the world, even so as 'to put
Christ to an open shame'. Thirdly, I found that those he there intended were for
ever shut up of God, both in blindness, hardness, and impenitency: it is impossible
they should be renewed again unto repentance. By all these particulars, I found,
to God's everlasting praise, my sin was not the sin in this place intended.
First, I confessed I was fallen, but not fallen away, that is, from the profession
of faith in Jesus unto eternal life. Secondly, I confessed that I had put Jesus Christ
to shame by my sin, but not to open shame; I did not deny Him before men, nor condemn
Him as a fruitless one before the world. Thirdly, Nor did I find that God had shut
me up, or denied me to come, though I found it hard work indeed to come to Him by
sorrow and repentance. Blessed be God for unsearchable grace.
Then I considered that in the tenth of the Hebrews, and found that the wilful sin
there mentioned is not every wilful sin, but that which doth throw off Christ, and
then His commandments too. Secondly, That must also be done openly, before two or
three witnesses, to answer that of the law ( ver. 28). Thirdly, This sin cannot be
committed, but with great despite done to the Spirit of grace; despising both the
dissuasions from that sin, and the persuasions to the contrary. But the Lord knows,
though this my sin was devilish, yet it did not amount to these.
And as touching that in the twelfth of the Hebrews, about Esau's selling his birthright,
though this was that which killed me, and stood like a spear against me; yet now
I did consider, First, That his was not a hasty thought against the continual labour
of his mind, but a thought consented to and put in practice likewise, and that too
after some deliberation (Gen. 25). Secondly, it was a public and open action, even
before his brother, if not before many more; this made his sin of a far more heinous
nature than otherwise it would have been. Thirdly, He continued to slight his birthright:
'He did eat and drink, and went his way; thus Esau despised his birthright' (ver.
34). Yea, twenty years after, he was found to despise it still. 'And Esau said, I
have enough, my brother; keep that thou hast unto thyself' (Gen. 33.9).
Now as touching this, that Esau sought a place of repentance; thus I thought, first,
This was not for the birthright, but for the blessing; this is clear from the apostle,
and is distinguished by Esau himself; 'He took away my birthright (that is, formerly);
and behold, now he hath taken away my blessing' (Gen. 27.36). Secondly, Now, this
being thus considered, I came again to the apostle, to see what might be the mind
of God, in a New Testament style and sense, concerning Esau's sin; and so far as
I could conceive, this was the mind of God, that the birthright signified regeneration,
and the blessing the eternal inheritance; for so the apostle seems to hint, 'Lest
there be any profane person, as Esau, who for one morsel of meat sold his birthright';
as if he should say, Lest there be any person amongst you that shall cast off all
those blessed beginnings of God that at present are upon him, in order to a new birth,
lest they become as Esau, even be rejected afterwards, when they would inherit the
blessing.
For many there are who, in the day of grace and mercy, despise those things which
are indeed the birthright to heaven, who yet, when the deciding day appears, will
cry as loud as Esau, 'Lord, Lord, open to us'; but then, as Isaac would not repent,
no more will God the Father, but will say, I have blessed these, yea, and they shall
be blessed; but as for you, depart from me, all ye workers of iniquity (Gen. 27.33;
Luke 13.25-27).
When I had thus considered these scriptures, and found that thus to understand them
was not against, but according to other scriptures; this still added further to my
encouragement and comfort, and also gave a great blow to that objection, to wit,
that the scripture could not agree in the salvation of my soul. And now remained
only the hinder part of the tempest, for the thunder was gone beyond me, only some
drops did still remain, that now and then would fall upon me; but because my former
frights and anguish were very sore and deep, therefore it did oft befal me still,
as it befalleth those that have been scared with fire, I thought every voice was
Fire, fire; every little touch would hurt my tender conscience.
But one day, as I was passing in the field, and that too with some dashes on my conscience,
fearing lest yet all was not right, suddenly this sentence fell upon my soul, Thy
righteousness is in heaven; and methought withal, I saw, with the eyes of my soul,
Jesus Christ at God's right hand; there, I say, is my righteousness; so that wherever
I was, or whatever I was a-doing, God could not say of me, He wants my righteousness,
for that was just before Him. I also saw, moreover, that it was not my good frame
of heart that made my righteousness better, nor yet my bad frame that made my righteousness
worse; for my righteousness was Jesus Christ Himself, the same yesterday, and to-day,
and for ever (Heb. 13.8).
Now did my chains fall off my legs indeed, I was loosed from my affliction and irons,
my temptations had fled away; so that, from that time, those dreadful scriptures
of God left off to trouble me now; now went I also home rejoicing, for the grace
and love of God. So when I came home, I looked to see if I could find that sentence,
Thy righteousness is in heaven; but could not find such a saying, wherefore my heart
began to sink again, only that was brought to my remembrance, He 'of God is made
unto us wisdom, and righteousness, and sanctification, and redemption' by this word
I saw the other sentence true (1 Cor. 1.30).
For by this scripture, l saw that the man Christ Jesus, as He is distinct from us,
as touching His bodily presence, so He is our righteousness and sanctification before
God. Here, therefore, I lived for some time, very sweetly at peace with God through
Christ; Oh, methought, Christ! Christ! there was nothing but Christ that was before
my eyes, I was not only for looking upon this and the other benefits of Christ apart,
as of His blood, burial, or resurrection, but considered Him as a whole Christ! As
He in whom all these, and all other His virtues, relations, offices, and operations
met together, and that as He sat on the right hand of God in heaven.
It was glorious to me to see His exaltation, and the worth and prevalency of all
His benefits, and that because of this: now I could look from myself to Him, and
should reckon that all those graces of God that now were green in me, were yet but
like those cracked groats and fourpence-halfpennies that rich men carry in their
purses, when their gold is in their trunks at home! Oh, I saw my gold was in my trunk
at home! In Christ, my Lord and Saviour! Now Christ was all; all my wisdom, all my
righteousness, all my sanctification, and all my redemption.
Further, the Lord did also lead me into the mystery of union with the Son of God,
that I was joined to Him, that I was flesh of His flesh, and bone of His bone, and
now was that a sweet word to me in Eph. 5.30. By this also was my faith in Him, as
my righteousness, the more confirmed to me; for if He and I were one, then His righteousness
was mine, His merits mine, His victory also mine. Now could I see myself in heaven
and earth at once; in heaven by my Christ, by my head, by my righteousness and life,
though on earth by my body or person.
Now I saw Christ Jesus was looked on of God, and should also be looked on by us,
as that common or public person, in whom all the whole body of His elect are always
to be considered and reckoned; that we fulfilled the law by Him, rose from the dead
by Him, got the victory over sin, death, the devil, and hell, by Him; when He died,
we died; and so of His resurrection. 'Thy dead men shall live, together with my dead
body shall they arise,' saith he (Isa. 26.19). And again, 'After two days will he
revive us: in the third day he will raise us up, and we shall live in his sight'
(Hos. 6.2); which is now fulfilled by the sitting down of the Son of Man on the right
hand of the Majesty in the heavens, according to that to the Ephesians, He 'hath
raised us up together, and made us sit together in heavenly places in Christ Jesus'
(Eph. 2.6).
Ah, these blessed considerations and scriptures, with many others of a like nature,
were in those days made to spangle in mine eyes, so that I have cause to say, 'Praise
ye the Lord. Praise God in his sanctuary: praise him in the firmament of his power.
Praise him for his mighty acts: praise him according to his excellent greatness'
(Ps. 150.1, 2).
Having thus, in few words, given you a taste of the sorrow and affliction that my
soul went under, by the guilt and terror that this my wicked thought did lay me under;
and having given you also a touch of my deliverance therefrom, and of the sweet and
blessed comfort that I met with afterwards, which comfort dwelt about a twelvemonth
with my heart, to my unspeakable admiration; I will now, God willing, before I proceed
any farther, give you in a word or two, what, as I conceive, was the cause of this
temptation; and also after that, what advantage, at the last, it became unto my soul.
For the causes, I conceived they were principally two: of which two I also was deeply
convinced all the time this trouble lay upon me. The first was, for that I did not,
when I was delivered from the temptation that went before, still pray to God to keep
me from temptations that were to come; for though, as I can say in truth, my soul
was much in prayer before this trial seized me, yet then I prayed only, or at the
most, principally for the removal of present troubles, and for fresh discoveries
of His love in Christ, which I saw afterwards was not enough to do; I also should
have prayed that the great God would keep me from the evil that was to come.
Of this I was made deeply sensible by the prayer of holy David, who, when he was
under present mercy, yet prayed that God would hold him back from sin and temptation
to come; 'Then,' saith he, 'shall I be upright, I shall be innocent from the scaps
great transgression' (Ps. 19.13). By this very word was I galled and condemned, quite
through this long temptation.
That also was another word that did much condemn me for my folly, in the neglect
of this duty (Heb 4.16), 'Let us therefore come boldly unto the throne of grace,
that we may obtain mercy, and find grace to help in time of need.' This I had not
done, and therefore was suffered thus to sin and fall, according to what is written,
'Pray that ye enter not into temptation.' And truly this very thing is to this day
of such weight and awe upon me, that I dare not, when I come before the Lord, go
off my knees, until I entreat Him for help and mercy against the temptations that
are to come; and I do beseech thee, reader, that thou learn to beware of my negligence,
by the affliction that for this thing I did for days, and months, and years, with
sorrow undergo.
Verse note from Judith Bronte (Acacia John Bunyan):
"And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil: For Thine is the
kingdom, and the power, and the glory, for ever. Amen." (Matt. 6:13)
"Watch and pray, that ye enter not into temptation: the spirit indeed is willing,
but the flesh is weak." (Matt. 26:41)
"Pray that ye enter not into temptation." (Luke 22:40)
Another cause of this temptation was, that I had tempted God; and on this manner
did I do it. Upon a time my wife was great with child, and before her full time was
come, her pangs, as of a woman in travail, were fierce and strong upon her, even
as if she would have immediately fallen in labour, and been delivered of an untimely
birth. Now, at this very time it was that I had been so strongly tempted to question
the being of God, wherefore, as my wife lay crying by me, I said, but with all secrecy
imaginable, even thinking in my heart, Lord, if thou wilt now remove this sad affliction
from my wife, and cause that she be troubled no more therewith this night, and now
were her pangs just upon her, then I shall know that thou canst discern the most
secret thoughts of the heart.
I had no sooner said it in my heart, but her pangs were taken from her, and she was
cast into a deep sleep, and so she continued till morning; at this I greatly marvelled,
not knowing what to think; but after I had been awake a good while, and heard her
cry no more, I fell to sleeping also. So when I waked in the morning, it came upon
me again, even what I had said in my heart the last night, and how the Lord had showed
me that He knew my secret thoughts, which was a great astonishment unto me for several
weeks after.
Well, about a year and a half afterwards, that wicked sinful thought, of which I
have spoken before, went through my wicked heart, even this thought, Let Christ go
if He will; so when I was fallen under guilt for this, the remembrance of my other
thought, and of the effect thereof, would also come upon me with this retort, which
also carried rebuke along with it, Now you may see that God doth know the most secret
thoughts of the heart.
And with this, that of the passages that were betwixt the Lord and His servant Gideon
fell upon my spirit; how because that Gideon tempted God with his fleece, both wet
and dry, when he should have believed and ventured upon his words, therefore the
Lord did afterwards so try him, as to send him against an innumerable company of
enemies; and that too, as to outward appearance, without any strength or help (Judg.
6, 7). Thus He served me, and that justly, for I should have believed His word, and
not have put an scaps if upon the all-seeingness of God.
And now to show you something of the advantages that I also gained by this temptation;
and first, By this I was made continually to possess in my soul a very wonderful
sense both of the being and glory of God, and of His beloved Son; in the temptation
that went before, my soul was perplexed with unbelief, blasphemy, hardness of heart,
questions about the being of God, Christ, the truth of the Word, and certainty of
the world to come; I say, then I was greatly assaulted and tormented with atheism;
but now the case was otherwise, now was God and Christ continually before my face,
though not in a way of comfort, but in a way of exceeding dread and terror. The glory
of the holiness of God did at this time break me to pieces; and the bowels and compassion
of Christ did break me as on the wheel; for I could not consider Him but as a lost
and rejected Christ, the remembrance of which was as the continual breaking of my
bones.
The Scriptures now also were wonderful things unto me; I saw that the truth and verity
of them were the keys of the kingdom of heaven; those that the Scriptures favour
they must inherit bliss, but those that they oppose and condemn must perish evermore.
Oh! this word, 'For the Scriptures cannot be broken,' would rend the caul of my heart;
and so would that other, 'Whose soever sins ye remit, they are remitted unto them;
and whose soever sins ye retain, they are retained.' Now I saw the apostles to be
the elders of the city of refuge (Josh. 20.4), those that they were to receive in,
were received to life; but those that they shut out were to be slain by the avenger
of blood.
Oh! one sentence of the Scripture did more afflict and terrify my mind, I mean those
sentences that stood against me, as sometimes I thought they every one did, more,
I say, than an army of forty thousand men that might have come against me. Woe be
to him against whom the Scriptures bend themselves.
By this temptation I was made to see more into the nature of the promises than ever
I was before; for I lying now trembling under the mighty hand of God, continually
torn and rent by the thunderings of His justice; this made me, with careful heart
and watchful eye, with great seriousness, to turn over every leaf, and with much
diligence, mixed with trembling, to consider every sentence, together with its natural
force and latitude.
By this temptation, also, I was greatly beaten off my former foolish practice, of
putting by the word of promise when it came into my mind; for now, though I could
not suck that comfort and sweetness from the promise as I had done at other times,
yea, like to a man a-sinking, I should catch at all I saw; formerly I thought I might
not meddle with the promise unless I felt its comfort, but now it was no time thus
to do, the avenger of blood too hardly did pursue me.
Now therefore I was glad to catch at that word, which yet I feared I had no ground
or right to own; and even to leap into the bosom of that promise, that yet I feared
did shut its heart against me. Now also I should labour to take the Word as God had
laid it down, without restraining the natural force of one syllable thereof. O what
did I now see in that blessed sixth of John, 'And him that cometh to me I will in
no wise cast out' (ver. 37). Now I began to consider with myself, that God had a
bigger mouth to speak with than I had heart to conceive with. I thought also with
myself that He spake not His words in haste, or in unadvised heat, but with infinite
wisdom and judgment, and in very truth and faithfulness.
I should in these days, often in my greatest agonies, even flounce towards the promise,
as the horses do towards sound ground that yet stick in the mire, concluding, though
as one almost bereft of his wits through fear, on this I will rest and stay, and
leave the fulfilling of it to the God of heaven that made it. Oh! many a pull hath
my heart had with Satan for that sixth of John. I did not now, as at other times,
look principally for comfort, though, O how welcome would it have been unto me! But
now a word, a word to lean a weary soul upon, that I might not sink for ever! it
was that I hunted for.
Yea, often when I have been making to the promise, I have seen as if the Lord would
refuse my soul for ever. I was often as if I had run upon the pikes, and as if the
Lord had thrust at me to keep me from Him as with a flaming sword. Then I should
think of Esther, who went to petition the king contrary to the law (Esth 4.16). I
thought also of Benhadad's servants, who went with ropes upon their heads to their
enemies for mercy (1 Kings 20.31). The woman of Canaan also, that would not be daunted,
though called dog by Christ (Matt. 15.21-8); and the man that went to borrow bread
at midnight (Luke 11.5-8), were great encouragements unto me.
I never saw those heights and depths in grace, and love, and mercy, as I saw after
this temptation. Great sins to draw out great grace; and where guilt is most terrible
and fierce there the mercy of God in Christ, when showed to the soul, appears most
high and mighty. When Job had passed through his captivity, he had 'twice as much
as he had before' (Job 42.10). Blessed be God for Jesus Christ our Lord. Many other
things I might here make observation of, but I would be brief, and therefore shall
at this time omit them, and do pray God that my harms may make others fear to offend,
lest they also be made to bear the iron yoke as I did.
I had two or three times, at or about my deliverance from this temptation, such strange
apprehensions of the grace of God, that I could hardly bear up under it, it was so
out of measure amazing, when I thought it could reach me, that I do think, if that
sense of it had abode long upon me, it would have made me incapable for business.
Now I shall go forward to give you a relation of other of the Lord's leadings with
me, of His dealings with me at sundry other seasons, and of the temptations I then
did meet withal. I shall begin with what I met when I first did join in fellowship
with the people of God in Bedford. After I had propounded to the church that my desire
was to walk in the order and ordinances of Christ with them, and was also admitted
by them; while I thought of that blessed ordinance of Christ, which was His last
supper with His disciples before His death, that scripture, 'This do in remembrance
of me' (Luke 22.19), was made a very precious word unto me; for by it the Lord did
come down upon my conscience with the discovery of His death for my sins; and as
I then felt, did as if He plunged me in the virtue of the same. But, behold, I had
not been long a partaker at that ordinance, but such fierce and sad temptations did
attend me at all times therein, both to blaspheme the ordinance, and to wish some
deadly thing to those that then did eat thereof; that, lest I should at any time
be guilty of consenting to these wicked and fearful thoughts, I was forced to bend
myself all the while to pray to God to keep me from such blasphemies; and also to
cry to God to bless the bread and cup to them as it went from mouth to mouth. The
reason of this temptation I have thought since was, because I did not, with that
reverence as became me, at first approach to partake thereof.
Thus I continued for three-quarters of a year, and could never have rest nor ease;
but at last the Lord came in upon my soul with that same scripture by which my soul
was visited before; and after that I have been usually very well and comfortable
in the partaking of that blessed ordinance, and have, I trust, therein discerned
the Lord's body as broken for my sins, and that His precious blood hath been shed
for my transgressions.
Upon a time I was somewhat inclining to a consumption, wherewith, about the spring,
I was suddenly and violently seized with much weakness in my outward man, insomuch
that I thought I could not live. Now began I afresh to give myself up to a serious
examination after my state and condition for the future, and of my evidences for
that blessed world to come; for it hath, I bless the name of God, been my usual course,
as always, so especially in the day of affliction, to endeavour to keep my interest
in the life to come clear before my eye.
But I had no sooner began to recall to mind my former experience of the goodness
of God to my soul, but there came flocking into my mind an innumerable company of
my sins and transgressions, amongst which these were at this time most to my affliction,
namely, my deadness, dulness, and coldness in holy duties; my wanderings of heart,
of my wearisomeness in all good things, my want of love to God, His ways, and people,
with this at the end of all, Are these the fruits of Christianity? are these the
tokens of a blessed man?
At the apprehension of these things my sickness was doubled upon me, for now was
I sick in my inward man, my soul was clogged with guilt; now also was my former experience
of God's goodness to me quite taken out of my mind, and hid as if it had never been,
nor seen. Now was my soul greatly pinched between these two considerations. Live
I must not, Die I dare not; now I sunk and fell in my spirit; and was giving up all
for lost; but as I was walking up and down in the house, as a man in a most woeful
state, that word of God took hold of my heart, Ye are 'justified freely by his grace,
through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus' (Rom. 3.24). But oh, what a turn
it made upon me!
Now was I as one awakened out of some troublesome sleep and dream, and listening
to this heavenly sentence, I was as if I had heard it thus expounded to me: Sinner,
thou thinkest that because of thy sins and infirmities I cannot save thy soul, but
behold My Son is by Me, and upon Him I look, and not on thee, and will deal with
thee according as I am pleased with Him. At this I was greatly lightened in my mind,
and made to understand that God could justify a sinner at any time; it was but His
looking upon Christ, and imputing of His benefits to us, and the work was forthwith
done.
And as I was thus in a muse, that scripture also came with great power upon my spirit,
'Not by works of righteousness which we have done, but according to his mercy he
saved us,' etc. (Tit. 3.5; II Tim. 1.9). Now was I got on high; I saw myself within
the arms of grace and mercy; and though I was before afraid to think of a dying hour,
yet now I cried, Let me die. Now death was lovely and beautiful in my sight; for
I saw we shall never live indeed till we be gone to the other world. Oh, methought
this life is but a slumber in comparison of that above; at this time also I saw more
in those words, 'Heirs of God' (Rom. 8.17), than ever I shall be able to express
while I live in this world. 'Heirs of God'! God Himself is the portion of the saints.
This I saw and wondered at, but cannot tell you what I saw.
Again, as I was at another time very ill and weak, all that time also the tempter
did beset me strongly, for I find he is much for assaulting the soul when it begins
to approach towards the grave, then is his opportunity, labouring to hide from me
my former experience of God's goodness; also setting before me the terrors of death
and the judgment of God, insomuch that at this time, through my fear of miscarrying
for ever, should I now die, I was as one dead before death came, and was as if I
had felt myself already descending into the pit; methought, I said, there was no
way, but to hell I must; but behold, just as I was in the midst of those fears, these
words of the angels carrying Lazarus into Abraham's bosom darted in upon me, as who
should say, So it shall be with thee when thou dost leave this world. This did sweetly
revive my spirit, and help me to hope in God; which, when I had with comfort mused
on a while, that word fell with great weight upon my mind, 'O death, where is thy
sting? O grave, where is thy victory?' (1 Cor. 15.55). At this I became both well
in body and mind at once, for my sickness did presently vanish, and I walked comfortably
in my work for God again.
At another time, though just before I was pretty well and savoury in my spirit, yet
suddenly there fell upon me a great cloud of darkness, which did so hide from me
the things of God and Christ, that I was as if I had never seen or known them in
my life; was also so overrun in my soul, with a senseless, heartless frame of spirit,
that I could not feel my soul to move or stir after grace and life by Christ; I was
as if my loins were broken, or as if my hands and feet had been tied or bound with
chains. At this time also I felt some weakness to seize upon my outward man, which
made still the other affliction the more heavy and uncomfortable to me.
After I had been in this condition some three or four days, as I was sitting by the
fire, I suddenly felt this word to sound in my heart, I must go to Jesus; at this
my former darkness and atheism fled away, and the blessed things of heaven were set
within my view. While I was on this sudden thus overtaken with surprise, Wife, said
I, is there ever such a scripture, I must go to Jesus? She said she could not tell,
therefore I sat musing still to see if I could remember such a place; I had not sat
above two or three minutes but that came bolting in upon me, 'And to an innumerable
company of angels,' and withal, Hebrews the twelfth, about the mount Sion, was set
before mine eyes (ver. 22-4).
Then with joy I told my wife, O now I know, I know! But that night was a good night
to me, I never had but few better; I longed for the company of some of God's people
that I might have imparted unto them what God had showed me. Christ was a precious
Christ to my soul that night; I could scarce lie in my bed for joy, and peace, and
triumph, through Christ; this great glory did not continue upon me until morning,
yet that twelfth of the author of (Hebrews 12:22-4) was a blessed scripture to me
for many days together after this.
The words are these, 'Ye are come unto mount Sion, and unto the city of the living
God, the heavenly Jerusalem, and to an innumerable company of angels, to the general
assembly and church of the firstborn, which are written in heaven, and to God the
Judge of all, and to the spirits of just men made perfect, and to Jesus the mediator
of the new covenant, and to the blood of sprinkling, that speaketh better things
than that of Abel.' Through this blessed sentence the Lord led me over and over,
first to this word, and then to that, and showed me wonderful glory in every one
of them. These words also have oft since this time been great refreshment to my spirit.
Blessed be God in having mercy on me.
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